3-D Hollywood Sequels to Come

As we all know, Everything old is new again in Tinseltown. Now, along with its embrace of pointless remakes and sequels, Hollywood has also dusted off a fave gimmick of the nifty 1950s- 3-D! With updated digital 3D systems, studios have a whole new reason to jack up ticket prices and boost their box office, giving a whole new meaning to ‘the shit hitting the fan!’ Here are just a few of the exciting 3-D franchise projects in the hopper.

The Hangover 3-D The bros are back for the ultimate bender (at a funeral), and this time it’s in your face! Their laughless escapades will seem all the more painful in three dimensions. Dude- those tits are coming right at me. And so is the vomit!

Sex & The World (3-D) In this bold third installment of the ‘Sex & the City’ franchise, an alien race threatens the Earth’s greatest cities with obliteration (again), and we have only one line of defense. Time for Sarah J. and the rest of the swanky Gotham gals to suit up for space! The ladies must use their guile (& wiles) to show those pesky space bridge & tunnel invaders why we deserve to live - and shop! Do open-toed Manolos fly in zero-G?

Teen Wolf 3-D An always-game Jason Bateman reprises his role as the hirsute title character from the last installment- now a grown-up suburban Milwaukee businessman. He takes in his troubled nephew (Shia Labeouf) from the mean streets of Sheboygan, trying to set him on the straight and narrow. Only trouble is- some things run in the family, and it’s going to take more than just an attitude adjustment for the youth to succeed (& win the Ultimate Fighting regionals!)

Three Men and a Baby (Cubed!) The bachelor dads (Danson, Selleck, Guttenberg) return for a triple helping of fun, as they must raise a batch of morbidly obese test-tube triplets. The laughs are exponentially greater, and you just might think a bit too, as director Leonard Nimoy asks some troubling questions about the population boom. (Plus the pee comes right at you!)

Rupert & Me (3-D) Not a sequel, per-se, but another of muckraking porcine director Michael Moore’s liberal social filmic essays- and this time, it’s in your face! Jurassic Park’s got nothing on the terrifying sight of an immense, sweaty and angrily righteous Michael Moore lunging at you with a microphone. This time, he takes on the Wizard of Oz of the modern day tabloid-media empire, Rupert Murdoch, ambushing him (conveniently) at an Australian resort, with plenty of opportunities for beach-side interrogation (and T&A).

'Superfriends: Today!' Treatment

I got as far as a few pages and cast some roles for this opus in the 1990s-

Premise: It is now, and the Hall of Justice has fallen into disrepair, as the big DC heroes- Superman, Batman have left for free-agency and greener pastures. The Superfriends (the minor ones still in the league: Flash, Aquaman, Wonder Twins etc.) must hold a benefit talent show to save their home base. Cajun arch-villain Solomon Grundy threatens to spoil the proceedings with a nefarious scheme which is foiled somehow. Gleek, the Wonder twins' monkey shows his hidden musical talent by playing drinking glasses at the show.

I was thinking-
Flash- Steve Buscemi
Aquaman- Patrick Swayze
Solomon Grundy - Gary Busey
Wonder Twins - now maybe Hillary Duff and Shia Lebouef? (Too big, I know)
Gleek- ?

Alright - Let's get this rolling! Form of- an ice go-kart.