It's been a while! Let's catch up and kick back with those extra-fat Sunday headlines!
Business
Farmer’s Almanac Publisher Faces Insider Trading Charges Connected to Heating Oil Speculation Scam; ‘Rough Winter’ Knowledge Alleged
International
China: Apple Factory Workers Forced to Forfeit Lunch Breaks for ‘Hour of Homage’ Commemorating Founder Steve Jobs’ Passing
US Politics
Traditional Election Season War Not ‘Sure Thing’ as Oppressive World Regimes Crumble; Canada "Looking Pretty Good” - (Defense Dept. Source)
Entertainment
Disney Corp. Lobbies for 'Foreign Pop Star Tariff'; “We Just Want a Level Playing Field.” - (Spokesman)
Economy
‘Double Dip’ Recession Seen by Experts as Unlikely; Strong Job Growth in Bounty Hunting, Freelance Drum Circle Sectors
Weather
“Something’s Coming... Something ~ Wonderful!” - (US Meteorological Survey)
+ Marmaduke!
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
In The Papers #2
It's Thursday - time to catch up with our periodic random sampling of this week's headlines you may have missed ~
(Finance)
Dow Up 200 pts. in Anticipation of
Speech by Chairman of Franklin Mint
(Metro)
WTC Developer Insists New Freedom Tower ‘Kong-Proof’
(Sports)
NBA Draft Adopts ‘Musical Chairs’ Format
(Crime)
Headless Body Found in Wireless Store
(an updated classic)
(Politics)
New Law Would Force Returning Vets to Build Casinos
(TV/Ent.)
Regis Philbin Announces “I Have Media Empire Too!”
(Finance)
Dow Up 200 pts. in Anticipation of
Speech by Chairman of Franklin Mint
(Metro)
WTC Developer Insists New Freedom Tower ‘Kong-Proof’
(Sports)
NBA Draft Adopts ‘Musical Chairs’ Format
(Crime)
Headless Body Found in Wireless Store
(an updated classic)
(Politics)
New Law Would Force Returning Vets to Build Casinos
(TV/Ent.)
Regis Philbin Announces “I Have Media Empire Too!”
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Climate-Savvy Tourist (2020 ed.)
Mother Nature sure has been getting ‘uppity’ lately, unleashing drought, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes in areas unaccustomed to such weather violence. Whether you attribute this upheaval to man-made causes, or simply ‘female trouble,’ there’s no denying America’s flora and fauna is not what it used to be! Does this mean you should stay inside on permanent ‘lockdown,’ quaking with fear at the next potential environmental catastrophe? Psshaah. With a few tips, the intrepid modern tourist can be ready to pack their bags and seize the day! Here are just a few spots being pegged for the U.S.’s next ‘hot spot’ destinations.
Detroit Summer - When Nature in her terrifying wisdom consolidated the 5 Great Lakes into one giant, easier-to-manage ‘Greatest Lake’ - (Mother Superior), she also created a new mega-recreation destination. America’s gritty blue-collar wasteland had long seen better days, and was just waiting for it’s close-up. Say hello to the ‘Boater City!’
Spring Break - Juneau - With the tragic loss of the Florida peninsula, millions of eager college coeds were wondering ‘What now?’ Our northern Alaskan neighbor, where it now only rains in winter, stretches open its grubby oil-rich arms to welcome the fun-loving youth market. Spring brings good hunting, fishing & funnels! Thousands of wet T-shirts announce, “C’mon, Juneau you wanna!”
Thunderdome, Nebraska - Although prison construction has become one of America’s few boom industries (can’t build ‘em fast enough!), surging Bartertown crime rates and shrinking land mass forced the country to seek inspiration from its one true God - Hollywood. Take the family on a ‘scared straight!’ tour of Oprah Winfrey’s sprawling state-of-the-art domed vocational/gladiatorial facilities spanning the state, where lucky ‘interns’ man a wide variety of franchise concession stands, and the irredeemable ‘square pegs’ must duke it out in the ring. We don’t need another hero.
St. Louis, ‘America’s Venice’ - Several U.S. cities will be vying for this title, but scenic St. Louis will no doubt win over the ‘less swampy’ crowd. The mighty Missoura and Mississip’ long ago merged, creating a network of tributaries, and a lively ever-roving riverboat-based government seat and nightlife. In the future, we’re all river-folk.
Southwest Casino Mall Crawl - As fires layed waste to the Southwest’s precious greenery, and Texas succumbed to withering drought, the vast desert region said ‘Why not?’ and made lemonade from Nature’s dry, putrid fruit. What would make gambling even better? Put a roof on it! The Vegas Strip, now a year-round indoor climate-controlled wonderland, stretches across its formerly jealous neighboring states (Arizona, NM) and deep to the heart of Texas. Now it’s always 65 degrees, lushy carpeted and the ante - is you!
Detroit Summer - When Nature in her terrifying wisdom consolidated the 5 Great Lakes into one giant, easier-to-manage ‘Greatest Lake’ - (Mother Superior), she also created a new mega-recreation destination. America’s gritty blue-collar wasteland had long seen better days, and was just waiting for it’s close-up. Say hello to the ‘Boater City!’
Spring Break - Juneau - With the tragic loss of the Florida peninsula, millions of eager college coeds were wondering ‘What now?’ Our northern Alaskan neighbor, where it now only rains in winter, stretches open its grubby oil-rich arms to welcome the fun-loving youth market. Spring brings good hunting, fishing & funnels! Thousands of wet T-shirts announce, “C’mon, Juneau you wanna!”
Thunderdome, Nebraska - Although prison construction has become one of America’s few boom industries (can’t build ‘em fast enough!), surging Bartertown crime rates and shrinking land mass forced the country to seek inspiration from its one true God - Hollywood. Take the family on a ‘scared straight!’ tour of Oprah Winfrey’s sprawling state-of-the-art domed vocational/gladiatorial facilities spanning the state, where lucky ‘interns’ man a wide variety of franchise concession stands, and the irredeemable ‘square pegs’ must duke it out in the ring. We don’t need another hero.
St. Louis, ‘America’s Venice’ - Several U.S. cities will be vying for this title, but scenic St. Louis will no doubt win over the ‘less swampy’ crowd. The mighty Missoura and Mississip’ long ago merged, creating a network of tributaries, and a lively ever-roving riverboat-based government seat and nightlife. In the future, we’re all river-folk.
Southwest Casino Mall Crawl - As fires layed waste to the Southwest’s precious greenery, and Texas succumbed to withering drought, the vast desert region said ‘Why not?’ and made lemonade from Nature’s dry, putrid fruit. What would make gambling even better? Put a roof on it! The Vegas Strip, now a year-round indoor climate-controlled wonderland, stretches across its formerly jealous neighboring states (Arizona, NM) and deep to the heart of Texas. Now it’s always 65 degrees, lushy carpeted and the ante - is you!
Friday, September 2, 2011
In The Papers!
Let's catch up with our periodic random sampling of this week's headlines you may have missed ~
(Global)
Rapture Supporters Change Course; Prefer World Not End
(Domestic)
U.S. Economy Checks Into Rehab for ‘Exhaustion’: Recovery Postponed (TMZ)
(Metro)
Smart Phone Kills Dumb Guy
(Politics)
Republican Presidential Candidates Request Change to ‘Take-Home’ Debate Format
(Entertainment)
Shark Week Leaves 3 Paralyzed - with Suspense!
(Global)
Rapture Supporters Change Course; Prefer World Not End
(Domestic)
U.S. Economy Checks Into Rehab for ‘Exhaustion’: Recovery Postponed (TMZ)
(Metro)
Smart Phone Kills Dumb Guy
(Politics)
Republican Presidential Candidates Request Change to ‘Take-Home’ Debate Format
(Entertainment)
Shark Week Leaves 3 Paralyzed - with Suspense!
Monday, August 22, 2011
(Even More!) Things to Do Last Week
(August Ed., Condensed from the Pages of Time’s Up NY)
Here’s just a few of the many city happenings to miss last week ~
‘Mamet in The Park’ (Every Weekend) Fans will line up early (& occasionally brawl) to gain entry to this free (& blue) city tradition. This year’s gritty al fresco production of ‘American Buffalo’ brings the combined talents of Zach Braff, Woody Harrelson and the kid from ‘Two &1/2 Men.’ The whole family is welcome, but don’t worry - earmuffs will be provided for the little ones as protection from flying F-words. (Though they gotta know that shit by now- it’s the goddam city!)
Squatter Museum & Living History Tour (Tues, Thurs) Last remaining 1980s East Village anarcho-punk communal squatter Duncan ‘Pullen’ Teith leads you on a tour of ‘his’ Tompkins Square Park, including the site of his bulldozed lean-to and the condemned tenement he and his old lady shot up in (now a luxury condo). Meet at the Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt near 7th St. & Ave A.
A Conversation w/ Andrew “Dice” Clay @ Yeshiva Institute (Flushing, Thurs) Raunchy Hebrew comic legend The “Dice-Man” (nee Andrew Silverstein) sits down for a probing discussion about his new memoir, What’chu Lookin’ At, Jew-Boy? (A Reflection) Note: Requests for Andrew’s ‘schtick’ will not be honored, as the conversation will focus on his book only. (Although ya might get one or two if yer lucky, if you know what I mean - Boom!)
Nanny Wars (Sat)- Third Avenue north of 72nd St. will close to traffic for this lively event, in which Upper East Side nannies compete in events ranging from the Duane Reade Pharmacy Relay, to the Toys ‘R Us Elevator Cram to the Stouffer’s Wide Load Stroller 100k. Caribbean treats will be served, and the winner will go on to challenge the champion of the Park Slope Regionals.
‘Time’s Up’s ‘Go Postal!’ Speed-Dating (Sun) With snail-mail fast becoming a cultural artifact and the USPS threatening to go belly-up, why not come out for a night of potential romance to benefit your local branch? The lines move quicker, too! When the lights flash, aspiring singles rotate to greet their next potential match at assigned service windows, hoping for an express delivery - of love. It’s the best ‘Flat-rate’ date in town.
($15 w/one comp. beverage, Canal Street branch)
Here’s just a few of the many city happenings to miss last week ~
‘Mamet in The Park’ (Every Weekend) Fans will line up early (& occasionally brawl) to gain entry to this free (& blue) city tradition. This year’s gritty al fresco production of ‘American Buffalo’ brings the combined talents of Zach Braff, Woody Harrelson and the kid from ‘Two &1/2 Men.’ The whole family is welcome, but don’t worry - earmuffs will be provided for the little ones as protection from flying F-words. (Though they gotta know that shit by now- it’s the goddam city!)
Squatter Museum & Living History Tour (Tues, Thurs) Last remaining 1980s East Village anarcho-punk communal squatter Duncan ‘Pullen’ Teith leads you on a tour of ‘his’ Tompkins Square Park, including the site of his bulldozed lean-to and the condemned tenement he and his old lady shot up in (now a luxury condo). Meet at the Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt near 7th St. & Ave A.
A Conversation w/ Andrew “Dice” Clay @ Yeshiva Institute (Flushing, Thurs) Raunchy Hebrew comic legend The “Dice-Man” (nee Andrew Silverstein) sits down for a probing discussion about his new memoir, What’chu Lookin’ At, Jew-Boy? (A Reflection) Note: Requests for Andrew’s ‘schtick’ will not be honored, as the conversation will focus on his book only. (Although ya might get one or two if yer lucky, if you know what I mean - Boom!)
Nanny Wars (Sat)- Third Avenue north of 72nd St. will close to traffic for this lively event, in which Upper East Side nannies compete in events ranging from the Duane Reade Pharmacy Relay, to the Toys ‘R Us Elevator Cram to the Stouffer’s Wide Load Stroller 100k. Caribbean treats will be served, and the winner will go on to challenge the champion of the Park Slope Regionals.
‘Time’s Up’s ‘Go Postal!’ Speed-Dating (Sun) With snail-mail fast becoming a cultural artifact and the USPS threatening to go belly-up, why not come out for a night of potential romance to benefit your local branch? The lines move quicker, too! When the lights flash, aspiring singles rotate to greet their next potential match at assigned service windows, hoping for an express delivery - of love. It’s the best ‘Flat-rate’ date in town.
($15 w/one comp. beverage, Canal Street branch)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Spoiler Alert!
As our national political death-race kicks into gear (in Iowa, natch), candidates are jockeying for face time on the stump, hoping to gain that all-important early momentum. But in the game of politics, in ain’t over til’ it’s bought and paid for, and nobody really knows how the race will shake out. Pundits are abuzz over who might make a surprise splash as a 2012 presidential ‘spoiler,’ leaving the other chumps sputtering in their wake. A few of the ‘hottest’ tips:
Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger Who better than the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’ pilot, our last true National Hero, to take the helm of this reeling airship called America? Someone’s got to land this thing. Take us down gently, or put us out of our misery, Sully! (Looks like we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.)
Vince, The ‘ShamWow’ Guy Messes were made, but you can be sure the super-absorbent ShamWow can handle ‘em. Admittedly, it’s going to take an awfully big ShamWow to staunch massive global economic bleeding, but Vince has got your back. Sure, the MIA infomercial superstar has been known to get hopped up on goofballs and consort with prostitutes- so he’ll fit right in!
Rachael Ray Take Sarah Palin - add a smidge of sanity (and a stick of butter), and oven-bake ‘til ‘poppin’- fresh,’ and you’ll have America’s homemade culinary media mogul sweetheart! She’s got a perky smile, a ‘nails-on chalk-board’ voice and a shitload of awesome comfort food recipes, just the thing for what ails ya in a double-dip recession. Mmm - double-dip.
Larry, ‘The Cable Guy’ / Joe the Plumber “Get ‘er Done, America in 2012!” (& forever.)
Ralph Nader America’s longest-running professional political spoiler is tanned, rested and pumped for his 2012 reboot. (along with rumored new power gal-pal J-Lo!) This time, he’s done kvetching about car safety, the environment and taxes, and has thrown up his hands in the air (like he just don’t care), making no bones about his true role in the political circus - “Nader 2012 - I just wanna F*ck Sh*t Up!”
Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger Who better than the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’ pilot, our last true National Hero, to take the helm of this reeling airship called America? Someone’s got to land this thing. Take us down gently, or put us out of our misery, Sully! (Looks like we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.)
Vince, The ‘ShamWow’ Guy Messes were made, but you can be sure the super-absorbent ShamWow can handle ‘em. Admittedly, it’s going to take an awfully big ShamWow to staunch massive global economic bleeding, but Vince has got your back. Sure, the MIA infomercial superstar has been known to get hopped up on goofballs and consort with prostitutes- so he’ll fit right in!
Rachael Ray Take Sarah Palin - add a smidge of sanity (and a stick of butter), and oven-bake ‘til ‘poppin’- fresh,’ and you’ll have America’s homemade culinary media mogul sweetheart! She’s got a perky smile, a ‘nails-on chalk-board’ voice and a shitload of awesome comfort food recipes, just the thing for what ails ya in a double-dip recession. Mmm - double-dip.
Larry, ‘The Cable Guy’ / Joe the Plumber “Get ‘er Done, America in 2012!” (& forever.)
Ralph Nader America’s longest-running professional political spoiler is tanned, rested and pumped for his 2012 reboot. (along with rumored new power gal-pal J-Lo!) This time, he’s done kvetching about car safety, the environment and taxes, and has thrown up his hands in the air (like he just don’t care), making no bones about his true role in the political circus - “Nader 2012 - I just wanna F*ck Sh*t Up!”
Friday, August 5, 2011
More Replacements!
The dog daze of summer are a great time for the networks to run some “new” ideas up the flagpole and see who salutes (by not changing the channel). Let’s take a look at a few of the new kids on the block in this sultry season.
Ghost Bodega Did CBS’ untimely cancellations of ‘Touched by an Angel’ and ‘Ghost Whisperer’ leave you in the lurch? Why not try a little Latin “sabor” in your supernatural? In this Saturday night entry, a Dominican inner-city grocery owner (Esai Morales) who was tragically gunned down in a robbery returns behind the counter to keep his ‘loca familia’ in line, and solve the numerous problemas of his customers on the block. Della Reese- watch your back! (CBS, SAT 9pm)
Rim Job It’s like Pawn Stars, but 60% more “street,” as teams of desperadoes nationwide plunder prize tires from cars and bicycles alike, competing to become king of the black-market ‘bling,’ and tear up the road in a cross-country race. Better get a better lock - These boys don’t haggle. (NBC, THURS 10pm)
The Sub Aging dweeb Jon Cryer made good use of his down-time during the ‘Two ½ Men’ turmoil to flex his chops in this intriguing new dramatic series. Cryer plays a mild-mannered journeyman substitute teacher who travels the back-roads of America’s beleaguered educational system, filling in for 3rd period social studies while moonlighting as a problem solving (a la “Equalizer”) heroic mercenary-for-hire. Who needs tenure when the job gets done right? (ABC, WED 9pm)
Blackout! In this reality entry, a serious problem drunk is ‘punk’d’ each week- his world turned upside down by a professional prank team as he rests in a pool of his own vomit – with hilarious results. You won’t believe the priceless reactions, running the gamut from “Holy shit - I killed a guy?” to “I have a butler?” to “I run Fox News?” (FOX, SAT 9pm)
Brick, Notary Public ‘Where’d he go’ TV fave Ted McGinley returns to the airwaves as Brick- a guy who you call to sign stuff. Twist is, Brick is pretty badass- he lives on a boat, scores a lot of babes, solves a crime or two and knows how to party. If he’s not laying down his ‘John Hancock,’ he’s (literally) jumping sharks! (USA, FRI 10pm)
Ghost Bodega Did CBS’ untimely cancellations of ‘Touched by an Angel’ and ‘Ghost Whisperer’ leave you in the lurch? Why not try a little Latin “sabor” in your supernatural? In this Saturday night entry, a Dominican inner-city grocery owner (Esai Morales) who was tragically gunned down in a robbery returns behind the counter to keep his ‘loca familia’ in line, and solve the numerous problemas of his customers on the block. Della Reese- watch your back! (CBS, SAT 9pm)
Rim Job It’s like Pawn Stars, but 60% more “street,” as teams of desperadoes nationwide plunder prize tires from cars and bicycles alike, competing to become king of the black-market ‘bling,’ and tear up the road in a cross-country race. Better get a better lock - These boys don’t haggle. (NBC, THURS 10pm)
The Sub Aging dweeb Jon Cryer made good use of his down-time during the ‘Two ½ Men’ turmoil to flex his chops in this intriguing new dramatic series. Cryer plays a mild-mannered journeyman substitute teacher who travels the back-roads of America’s beleaguered educational system, filling in for 3rd period social studies while moonlighting as a problem solving (a la “Equalizer”) heroic mercenary-for-hire. Who needs tenure when the job gets done right? (ABC, WED 9pm)
Blackout! In this reality entry, a serious problem drunk is ‘punk’d’ each week- his world turned upside down by a professional prank team as he rests in a pool of his own vomit – with hilarious results. You won’t believe the priceless reactions, running the gamut from “Holy shit - I killed a guy?” to “I have a butler?” to “I run Fox News?” (FOX, SAT 9pm)
Brick, Notary Public ‘Where’d he go’ TV fave Ted McGinley returns to the airwaves as Brick- a guy who you call to sign stuff. Twist is, Brick is pretty badass- he lives on a boat, scores a lot of babes, solves a crime or two and knows how to party. If he’s not laying down his ‘John Hancock,’ he’s (literally) jumping sharks! (USA, FRI 10pm)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
3-D Hollywood Sequels to Come
As we all know, Everything old is new again in Tinseltown. Now, along with its embrace of pointless remakes and sequels, Hollywood has also dusted off a fave gimmick of the nifty 1950s- 3-D! With updated digital 3D systems, studios have a whole new reason to jack up ticket prices and boost their box office, giving a whole new meaning to ‘the shit hitting the fan!’ Here are just a few of the exciting 3-D franchise projects in the hopper.
The Hangover 3-D The bros are back for the ultimate bender (at a funeral), and this time it’s in your face! Their laughless escapades will seem all the more painful in three dimensions. Dude- those tits are coming right at me. And so is the vomit!
Sex & The World (3-D) In this bold third installment of the ‘Sex & the City’ franchise, an alien race threatens the Earth’s greatest cities with obliteration (again), and we have only one line of defense. Time for Sarah J. and the rest of the swanky Gotham gals to suit up for space! The ladies must use their guile (& wiles) to show those pesky space bridge & tunnel invaders why we deserve to live - and shop! Do open-toed Manolos fly in zero-G?
Teen Wolf 3-D An always-game Jason Bateman reprises his role as the hirsute title character from the last installment- now a grown-up suburban Milwaukee businessman. He takes in his troubled nephew (Shia Labeouf) from the mean streets of Sheboygan, trying to set him on the straight and narrow. Only trouble is- some things run in the family, and it’s going to take more than just an attitude adjustment for the youth to succeed (& win the Ultimate Fighting regionals!)
Three Men and a Baby (Cubed!) The bachelor dads (Danson, Selleck, Guttenberg) return for a triple helping of fun, as they must raise a batch of morbidly obese test-tube triplets. The laughs are exponentially greater, and you just might think a bit too, as director Leonard Nimoy asks some troubling questions about the population boom. (Plus the pee comes right at you!)
Rupert & Me (3-D) Not a sequel, per-se, but another of muckraking porcine director Michael Moore’s liberal social filmic essays- and this time, it’s in your face! Jurassic Park’s got nothing on the terrifying sight of an immense, sweaty and angrily righteous Michael Moore lunging at you with a microphone. This time, he takes on the Wizard of Oz of the modern day tabloid-media empire, Rupert Murdoch, ambushing him (conveniently) at an Australian resort, with plenty of opportunities for beach-side interrogation (and T&A).
The Hangover 3-D The bros are back for the ultimate bender (at a funeral), and this time it’s in your face! Their laughless escapades will seem all the more painful in three dimensions. Dude- those tits are coming right at me. And so is the vomit!
Sex & The World (3-D) In this bold third installment of the ‘Sex & the City’ franchise, an alien race threatens the Earth’s greatest cities with obliteration (again), and we have only one line of defense. Time for Sarah J. and the rest of the swanky Gotham gals to suit up for space! The ladies must use their guile (& wiles) to show those pesky space bridge & tunnel invaders why we deserve to live - and shop! Do open-toed Manolos fly in zero-G?
Teen Wolf 3-D An always-game Jason Bateman reprises his role as the hirsute title character from the last installment- now a grown-up suburban Milwaukee businessman. He takes in his troubled nephew (Shia Labeouf) from the mean streets of Sheboygan, trying to set him on the straight and narrow. Only trouble is- some things run in the family, and it’s going to take more than just an attitude adjustment for the youth to succeed (& win the Ultimate Fighting regionals!)
Three Men and a Baby (Cubed!) The bachelor dads (Danson, Selleck, Guttenberg) return for a triple helping of fun, as they must raise a batch of morbidly obese test-tube triplets. The laughs are exponentially greater, and you just might think a bit too, as director Leonard Nimoy asks some troubling questions about the population boom. (Plus the pee comes right at you!)
Rupert & Me (3-D) Not a sequel, per-se, but another of muckraking porcine director Michael Moore’s liberal social filmic essays- and this time, it’s in your face! Jurassic Park’s got nothing on the terrifying sight of an immense, sweaty and angrily righteous Michael Moore lunging at you with a microphone. This time, he takes on the Wizard of Oz of the modern day tabloid-media empire, Rupert Murdoch, ambushing him (conveniently) at an Australian resort, with plenty of opportunities for beach-side interrogation (and T&A).
Monday, July 11, 2011
Stimulus!
With disappointing job growth figures and gas prices shooting through the roof, talk continues to mount over fears of a ‘double-dip’ recession, sending the nation’s economy into a downward spiral of no return. Calls are growing for more bold intervention – here are just a few of the new ideas on the block.
No Internet Privileges for One Year The Defense Dept. built it, and they can take it away. So get out of your room, Poindexters, and meet the dismal reality that awaits! The job market will only improve through suicide or attrition- two inevitable results of shutting down the ‘Google-box.’
Domestic USO Tour led by reanimated Bob Hope, Phish, Dave Matthews Band If we sometimes devolve into partisan and class-based bickering, surely we can come together to rally behind the undisputed greatest comedian and rock bands of all time. Why should Laos get all the best shows? A freshly unfrozen Hope will lead a caravan of favorite stars and hotties through America’s heartland to rev up our communal spirit w/zesty wit, boobs and interminable songs.
Pay-What-You-Can (Everywhere) What kind of a nation are we if we can’t trust the Honor System and our fellow citizens? From tuition to gas to homes to automobiles, let’s level this capitalist bear to zero and see where we’re at. Don’t judge, player.
‘Gay for a Day’ National Gay Marriage Contest With many states seeing the shifting winds of change sweeping across the nation, why not pit them against each other in healthy competition for the ultimate ‘Rainbow Connection? Each state will race to record the most gay nuptials in one day, with the winning state receiving much-prized federal infrastructure spending aid, and a spot in Guinness!
Washington Mall National Monthly Swap Meet Forget the yucky ‘double-dip,’ and grab a double-dip soft-serve cone as you stroll the immense monthly national swap meet on the mall of the Washington Monument. Pick up that used Howitzer you didn’t know you needed, as government bureaus and private dealers alike haggle for your Yankee dollar. It’s what we do best.
No Internet Privileges for One Year The Defense Dept. built it, and they can take it away. So get out of your room, Poindexters, and meet the dismal reality that awaits! The job market will only improve through suicide or attrition- two inevitable results of shutting down the ‘Google-box.’
Domestic USO Tour led by reanimated Bob Hope, Phish, Dave Matthews Band If we sometimes devolve into partisan and class-based bickering, surely we can come together to rally behind the undisputed greatest comedian and rock bands of all time. Why should Laos get all the best shows? A freshly unfrozen Hope will lead a caravan of favorite stars and hotties through America’s heartland to rev up our communal spirit w/zesty wit, boobs and interminable songs.
Pay-What-You-Can (Everywhere) What kind of a nation are we if we can’t trust the Honor System and our fellow citizens? From tuition to gas to homes to automobiles, let’s level this capitalist bear to zero and see where we’re at. Don’t judge, player.
‘Gay for a Day’ National Gay Marriage Contest With many states seeing the shifting winds of change sweeping across the nation, why not pit them against each other in healthy competition for the ultimate ‘Rainbow Connection? Each state will race to record the most gay nuptials in one day, with the winning state receiving much-prized federal infrastructure spending aid, and a spot in Guinness!
Washington Mall National Monthly Swap Meet Forget the yucky ‘double-dip,’ and grab a double-dip soft-serve cone as you stroll the immense monthly national swap meet on the mall of the Washington Monument. Pick up that used Howitzer you didn’t know you needed, as government bureaus and private dealers alike haggle for your Yankee dollar. It’s what we do best.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Parks & Regs
With the recent enactment of the smoking ban in public parks, change is afoot in the city’s green spaces. Let’s take a look at what’s new on the books this season ~
Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.
PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.
Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)
Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.
‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.
Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.
PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.
Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)
Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.
‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Restaurant Round-Up
A periodic survey of exciting new urban dining trends.
Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’
Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?
Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.
The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.
The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.
Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’
Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?
Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.
The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.
The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Green Jobs for The ‘New Normal’
Do you find yourself adrift in ennui, twiddling your thumbs in half-hearted anticipation of the re-scheduled Rapture? Try one of these innovative & rewarding new job opportunities that may be right under your nose!
99-cent Store Hospitality Professional No Wal-Mart in your hood yet? Don’t let that stop you from meeting & greeting your community where you see them the most. Just turn in place, offering a hearty handshake and ‘Hola’ to the family of 8 behind you. Presto- you’re hired!
Freelance Plastic Bag Wrangler There’s one! No wait- there’s a bunch. Get ‘em! I think you can boil ‘em down and make oil. Take that, BP!
Used Mp3 Dealer Are yer ‘clickety’ friends loaded down with all those downloads? They say the music industry is dying, but there’s never been a better time for visionary entrepreneurs. Help bargain-minded net-surfers score that special find, and recycle to boot! Just draw up your own ‘download cards’ and set up a 21st century 3-card monte stand. By the time they catch on, you’ll be long gone…
Poop Scout With the recent rampant cutbacks in public services, the Sanitation dept. needs all the help it can get! Become a ‘poop scout,’ carefully pinpointing the greatest concentrations of canine/human excrement in your area and composing a ‘virtual poop map’ app so the professionals can most efficiently apply their resources.
Dumpster Security Those things aren’t going to guard themselves! Suit up an’ keep those pesky ‘freegan’ bloggers from diving for scraps. That’s why they call it garbage, maggot!
99-cent Store Hospitality Professional No Wal-Mart in your hood yet? Don’t let that stop you from meeting & greeting your community where you see them the most. Just turn in place, offering a hearty handshake and ‘Hola’ to the family of 8 behind you. Presto- you’re hired!
Freelance Plastic Bag Wrangler There’s one! No wait- there’s a bunch. Get ‘em! I think you can boil ‘em down and make oil. Take that, BP!
Used Mp3 Dealer Are yer ‘clickety’ friends loaded down with all those downloads? They say the music industry is dying, but there’s never been a better time for visionary entrepreneurs. Help bargain-minded net-surfers score that special find, and recycle to boot! Just draw up your own ‘download cards’ and set up a 21st century 3-card monte stand. By the time they catch on, you’ll be long gone…
Poop Scout With the recent rampant cutbacks in public services, the Sanitation dept. needs all the help it can get! Become a ‘poop scout,’ carefully pinpointing the greatest concentrations of canine/human excrement in your area and composing a ‘virtual poop map’ app so the professionals can most efficiently apply their resources.
Dumpster Security Those things aren’t going to guard themselves! Suit up an’ keep those pesky ‘freegan’ bloggers from diving for scraps. That’s why they call it garbage, maggot!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Replacements
It’s that time again ~ Mid-Season Mania, that is, when the Tube shakes up its old, tired programming with some shiny new, tired programs*! Here’s just a few of those new kids on the block.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Get More Real!
Even More Exciting Reality TV Prospects on the Horizon ~
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Have you jumped the shark? *
1) Your inner voice is now played by Ted McGinley
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
At The Newsstand
What’s that you say? Print media is in its last death throes? Far from it! Actually the magazine’s appeal is just becoming more selective. A host of new titles targeting urban and suburban niche-markets testify to the ongoing importance of our glossies in arenas varying from the waiting room to the poop-strewn sidewalk. Just a few of the new crop:
The Entitled Asshole
Are you new to town, but looking to ‘own it,’ and immediately resent all others who came before or after? Keep up to date with this informative monthly, including many forums for various smug sons-of-bitches, such as which urban accessory best fits your lifestyle – dog, SUV or human infant?
Water-Cooler Weekly
Always the last to know the latest TV-minted catchphrase to throw around the office? Really!? This handy digest rounds-up all the week’s notable programming in ‘Comedy’ or ‘Drama’ and includes plot summaries (where necessary). You don’t need to watch 3 DVDs of ‘The Wire’ in one weekend, or “How I Met Your Mother” ever! Just subscribe to this for a year! Talk to the Hand!
Orgy of Death
All obituaries – all the time. Rounded up from the smallest country gazette to the most cosmopolitan of rags. (Now w/juicy ‘Dead Gossip’ insert!) Let this digest of the deceased be your first reassuring read in the morning with your coffee + juice (if you’re still alive.)
Sewer + Stream
Camo’s not just for the country anymore! In the New Depression, all bets are off and this monthly will keep you prepared with the latest in urban survival (and prospering!) techniques. Learn which gauge ammo or dirty bomb to use when hunting raccoon / squirrel / rat, how to ‘blend in’ on Bedford Ave. when stalking elusive hipster jailbait, and the latest methods of drinking your own pee. (Smoothies?)
The Entitled Asshole
Are you new to town, but looking to ‘own it,’ and immediately resent all others who came before or after? Keep up to date with this informative monthly, including many forums for various smug sons-of-bitches, such as which urban accessory best fits your lifestyle – dog, SUV or human infant?
Water-Cooler Weekly
Always the last to know the latest TV-minted catchphrase to throw around the office? Really!? This handy digest rounds-up all the week’s notable programming in ‘Comedy’ or ‘Drama’ and includes plot summaries (where necessary). You don’t need to watch 3 DVDs of ‘The Wire’ in one weekend, or “How I Met Your Mother” ever! Just subscribe to this for a year! Talk to the Hand!
Orgy of Death
All obituaries – all the time. Rounded up from the smallest country gazette to the most cosmopolitan of rags. (Now w/juicy ‘Dead Gossip’ insert!) Let this digest of the deceased be your first reassuring read in the morning with your coffee + juice (if you’re still alive.)
Sewer + Stream
Camo’s not just for the country anymore! In the New Depression, all bets are off and this monthly will keep you prepared with the latest in urban survival (and prospering!) techniques. Learn which gauge ammo or dirty bomb to use when hunting raccoon / squirrel / rat, how to ‘blend in’ on Bedford Ave. when stalking elusive hipster jailbait, and the latest methods of drinking your own pee. (Smoothies?)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Get Real
The New Slate of Promising Reality-TV Shows
Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.
So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.
Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?
Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!
America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?
Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.
So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.
Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?
Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!
America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Recipe Nook
America’s cutting-edge chain restaurants are forging ahead into brave new taste terrain. Think you can do better at home? Why not try your hand at a few of these potential new family sensations.
BLT Loaf
Think outside the bread! as the standby bacon, lettuce, tomato is lovingly embraced by two solid slabs of mom-style meatloaf and slathered with mayo, for a hearty sandwich any time of day.
Pizzerole
Take your favorite oven-baked casserole ~ (mac n’ cheese, noodles romanoff, pork n’ beans are all good choices) and raise it a notch by slapping a zesty pizza on top! Finally the kids can agree on dinner.
Lasagna Fry
Bored with grandma’s old-world lasagna recipe? Why not light a fire under it and drop it in the fryer? Crisp breading meets tangy Italian meat and noodles for your new favorite Sunday family treat.
Grilled Chocolate n’Cheese
Why not? You love both- make it happen. Simply put together your favorite griller, then layer a healthy dose of your choice chocolate sauce inside for a savory special feeling.
Chicken Nugget Omelette
Take your fave nuggets (fancy sauce n’ all) and wrap em’ inside a new blanket of eggy goodness ~ melt cheese of your choice (Velveeta works great) and call it breakfast!
Happy Eating & Be sure to send us your new favorites!
BLT Loaf
Think outside the bread! as the standby bacon, lettuce, tomato is lovingly embraced by two solid slabs of mom-style meatloaf and slathered with mayo, for a hearty sandwich any time of day.
Pizzerole
Take your favorite oven-baked casserole ~ (mac n’ cheese, noodles romanoff, pork n’ beans are all good choices) and raise it a notch by slapping a zesty pizza on top! Finally the kids can agree on dinner.
Lasagna Fry
Bored with grandma’s old-world lasagna recipe? Why not light a fire under it and drop it in the fryer? Crisp breading meets tangy Italian meat and noodles for your new favorite Sunday family treat.
Grilled Chocolate n’Cheese
Why not? You love both- make it happen. Simply put together your favorite griller, then layer a healthy dose of your choice chocolate sauce inside for a savory special feeling.
Chicken Nugget Omelette
Take your fave nuggets (fancy sauce n’ all) and wrap em’ inside a new blanket of eggy goodness ~ melt cheese of your choice (Velveeta works great) and call it breakfast!
Happy Eating & Be sure to send us your new favorites!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
WELCOME, IMPUDENT SNOBS!
~ To the next stop on your tour, the living diorama of COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG. Here you can sample the sights and smells of ‘New Yawk’ without ever having to step outside your post-collegiate comfort bubble! Witness the summer spectacle: a cavalcade of colorful ‘New York characters’ engaged in their vanishing neighborhood habitat. You newly minted ivy-league sweethearts and edgy postpunk ‘loners’ will strut by the stoops, street-fairs and bodegas of the urban wonderland, coming so close to actual ‘Brooklyn Types’ (“Italians,” “Puerto Ricans,” and “Jews”) you can almost touch them! Be careful, though- there is a chance they will try and pierce your bubble if you step beyond this year’s ‘safe zone’ we previously discussed. Be sure to enjoy the daily local events happening all along the tour route—
1) Indie-Off Opening Ceremonies (feat. Big Sunglass-Off, Twee-Off etc.)
(10am ~ Bedford and N. 7th)
2) The Pale-Off aka Can you pass for a Pole?
(2pm ~ The American Apparel Greenpoint Gate @ McCarren Park)
3) Bicycle Jousting (sundown ~ Kent Ave)
4) Locally sourced candle-dipping for singles (multiple locations)
Williamsburg – where it’s never not 1994.
1) Indie-Off Opening Ceremonies (feat. Big Sunglass-Off, Twee-Off etc.)
(10am ~ Bedford and N. 7th)
2) The Pale-Off aka Can you pass for a Pole?
(2pm ~ The American Apparel Greenpoint Gate @ McCarren Park)
3) Bicycle Jousting (sundown ~ Kent Ave)
4) Locally sourced candle-dipping for singles (multiple locations)
Williamsburg – where it’s never not 1994.
Monday, June 21, 2010
MORE Things to Do Last Week!
MORE Things to Do Last Week!
(Condensed from the pgs of Time's Up NY)
MON
Movies in the MP @ Prime Meats
Come on down to take in a flick at sunset, projected on the blank yet blood-stained wall of the Prime Meats slaughterhouse in the industrial-chic meat-packing district. This week: Blooper Night! Enjoy a parade of blooper reels from your favorite cosmopolitan girls in ‘SATC,’ perhaps catching a glimpse of Miranda’s penis. You go, girlfriends.
Next week: ‘Men in Black’ bloopers.
TUES
John Cage Karaoke @ The Sketch-Pad
Aspiring avant-amateurs will hone their rendition of the legendary experimental composer’s seminal piece, ’12 Minutes of Silence,’ on stage before an audience of their adoring peers. The Sketch-Pad is a DIY venue located in that teetering warehouse down by the canal- follow toxic scent from nearby White Castle.
WED
Free Mystery Concert @ The Crochet Concern
Alright so it’s actually red-hot Canadian super-group collective Wolf! Wolf? Wolves?! who are gracing our burg at this very special free show. RSVP required last Thursday, admission not guaranteed or encouraged. See you there!
THURS
Sorrell Booke Memorial Lecture @ Museum of Disposable Visual Culture
Actor Pat Harrington, TV’s ‘Snyder’ from ‘One Day at a Time,’ addresses the vanishing role of the urban building superintendent in today’s modern sit-com landscape, and whether he is actually a licensed plumber.
FRI
Bushwick Ice Follies Present: ‘Soul On Ice: The Musical,’ based on the prison memoirs of radical Black Panther liberationist leader Eldridge Cleaver, and featuring a dynamic period soundtrack. It’s a Revolution – on ice!
Plus ~ 37 other simultaneous free summer events aimed at your youthful, hip demographic!
(Condensed from the pgs of Time's Up NY)
MON
Movies in the MP @ Prime Meats
Come on down to take in a flick at sunset, projected on the blank yet blood-stained wall of the Prime Meats slaughterhouse in the industrial-chic meat-packing district. This week: Blooper Night! Enjoy a parade of blooper reels from your favorite cosmopolitan girls in ‘SATC,’ perhaps catching a glimpse of Miranda’s penis. You go, girlfriends.
Next week: ‘Men in Black’ bloopers.
TUES
John Cage Karaoke @ The Sketch-Pad
Aspiring avant-amateurs will hone their rendition of the legendary experimental composer’s seminal piece, ’12 Minutes of Silence,’ on stage before an audience of their adoring peers. The Sketch-Pad is a DIY venue located in that teetering warehouse down by the canal- follow toxic scent from nearby White Castle.
WED
Free Mystery Concert @ The Crochet Concern
Alright so it’s actually red-hot Canadian super-group collective Wolf! Wolf? Wolves?! who are gracing our burg at this very special free show. RSVP required last Thursday, admission not guaranteed or encouraged. See you there!
THURS
Sorrell Booke Memorial Lecture @ Museum of Disposable Visual Culture
Actor Pat Harrington, TV’s ‘Snyder’ from ‘One Day at a Time,’ addresses the vanishing role of the urban building superintendent in today’s modern sit-com landscape, and whether he is actually a licensed plumber.
FRI
Bushwick Ice Follies Present: ‘Soul On Ice: The Musical,’ based on the prison memoirs of radical Black Panther liberationist leader Eldridge Cleaver, and featuring a dynamic period soundtrack. It’s a Revolution – on ice!
Plus ~ 37 other simultaneous free summer events aimed at your youthful, hip demographic!
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