Parks & Regs

With the recent enactment of the smoking ban in public parks, change is afoot in the city’s green spaces. Let’s take a look at what’s new on the books this season ~

Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.

PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.

Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)

Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.

‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.