With disappointing job growth figures and gas prices shooting through the roof, talk continues to mount over fears of a ‘double-dip’ recession, sending the nation’s economy into a downward spiral of no return. Calls are growing for more bold intervention – here are just a few of the new ideas on the block.
No Internet Privileges for One Year The Defense Dept. built it, and they can take it away. So get out of your room, Poindexters, and meet the dismal reality that awaits! The job market will only improve through suicide or attrition- two inevitable results of shutting down the ‘Google-box.’
Domestic USO Tour led by reanimated Bob Hope, Phish, Dave Matthews Band If we sometimes devolve into partisan and class-based bickering, surely we can come together to rally behind the undisputed greatest comedian and rock bands of all time. Why should Laos get all the best shows? A freshly unfrozen Hope will lead a caravan of favorite stars and hotties through America’s heartland to rev up our communal spirit w/zesty wit, boobs and interminable songs.
Pay-What-You-Can (Everywhere) What kind of a nation are we if we can’t trust the Honor System and our fellow citizens? From tuition to gas to homes to automobiles, let’s level this capitalist bear to zero and see where we’re at. Don’t judge, player.
‘Gay for a Day’ National Gay Marriage Contest With many states seeing the shifting winds of change sweeping across the nation, why not pit them against each other in healthy competition for the ultimate ‘Rainbow Connection? Each state will race to record the most gay nuptials in one day, with the winning state receiving much-prized federal infrastructure spending aid, and a spot in Guinness!
Washington Mall National Monthly Swap Meet Forget the yucky ‘double-dip,’ and grab a double-dip soft-serve cone as you stroll the immense monthly national swap meet on the mall of the Washington Monument. Pick up that used Howitzer you didn’t know you needed, as government bureaus and private dealers alike haggle for your Yankee dollar. It’s what we do best.
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