Get Real

The New Slate of Promising Reality-TV Shows

Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.

So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.

Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?

Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!

America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?

Recipe Nook

America’s cutting-edge chain restaurants are forging ahead into brave new taste terrain. Think you can do better at home? Why not try your hand at a few of these potential new family sensations.

BLT Loaf
Think outside the bread! as the standby bacon, lettuce, tomato is lovingly embraced by two solid slabs of mom-style meatloaf and slathered with mayo, for a hearty sandwich any time of day.

Pizzerole
Take your favorite oven-baked casserole ~ (mac n’ cheese, noodles romanoff, pork n’ beans are all good choices) and raise it a notch by slapping a zesty pizza on top! Finally the kids can agree on dinner.

Lasagna Fry
Bored with grandma’s old-world lasagna recipe? Why not light a fire under it and drop it in the fryer? Crisp breading meets tangy Italian meat and noodles for your new favorite Sunday family treat.

Grilled Chocolate n’Cheese
Why not? You love both- make it happen. Simply put together your favorite griller, then layer a healthy dose of your choice chocolate sauce inside for a savory special feeling.

Chicken Nugget Omelette
Take your fave nuggets (fancy sauce n’ all) and wrap em’ inside a new blanket of eggy goodness ~ melt cheese of your choice (Velveeta works great) and call it breakfast!

Happy Eating & Be sure to send us your new favorites!

WELCOME, IMPUDENT SNOBS!

~ To the next stop on your tour, the living diorama of COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG. Here you can sample the sights and smells of ‘New Yawk’ without ever having to step outside your post-collegiate comfort bubble! Witness the summer spectacle: a cavalcade of colorful ‘New York characters’ engaged in their vanishing neighborhood habitat. You newly minted ivy-league sweethearts and edgy postpunk ‘loners’ will strut by the stoops, street-fairs and bodegas of the urban wonderland, coming so close to actual ‘Brooklyn Types’ (“Italians,” “Puerto Ricans,” and “Jews”) you can almost touch them! Be careful, though- there is a chance they will try and pierce your bubble if you step beyond this year’s ‘safe zone’ we previously discussed. Be sure to enjoy the daily local events happening all along the tour route—

1) Indie-Off Opening Ceremonies (feat. Big Sunglass-Off, Twee-Off etc.)
(10am ~ Bedford and N. 7th)
2) The Pale-Off aka Can you pass for a Pole?
(2pm ~ The American Apparel Greenpoint Gate @ McCarren Park)
3) Bicycle Jousting (sundown ~ Kent Ave)
4) Locally sourced candle-dipping for singles (multiple locations)

Williamsburg – where it’s never not 1994.

MORE Things to Do Last Week!

MORE Things to Do Last Week!
(Condensed from the pgs of Time's Up NY)

MON
Movies in the MP @ Prime Meats
Come on down to take in a flick at sunset, projected on the blank yet blood-stained wall of the Prime Meats slaughterhouse in the industrial-chic meat-packing district. This week: Blooper Night! Enjoy a parade of blooper reels from your favorite cosmopolitan girls in ‘SATC,’ perhaps catching a glimpse of Miranda’s penis. You go, girlfriends.
Next week: ‘Men in Black’ bloopers.

TUES
John Cage Karaoke @ The Sketch-Pad
Aspiring avant-amateurs will hone their rendition of the legendary experimental composer’s seminal piece, ’12 Minutes of Silence,’ on stage before an audience of their adoring peers. The Sketch-Pad is a DIY venue located in that teetering warehouse down by the canal- follow toxic scent from nearby White Castle.

WED
Free Mystery Concert @ The Crochet Concern
Alright so it’s actually red-hot Canadian super-group collective Wolf! Wolf? Wolves?! who are gracing our burg at this very special free show. RSVP required last Thursday, admission not guaranteed or encouraged. See you there!

THURS
Sorrell Booke Memorial Lecture @ Museum of Disposable Visual Culture
Actor Pat Harrington, TV’s ‘Snyder’ from ‘One Day at a Time,’ addresses the vanishing role of the urban building superintendent in today’s modern sit-com landscape, and whether he is actually a licensed plumber.

FRI
Bushwick Ice Follies Present: ‘Soul On Ice: The Musical,’ based on the prison memoirs of radical Black Panther liberationist leader Eldridge Cleaver, and featuring a dynamic period soundtrack. It’s a Revolution – on ice!

Plus ~ 37 other simultaneous free summer events aimed at your youthful, hip demographic!

OBSOLETE SHEET: What to Watch!

A selective peek at the upcoming TV season:
(Consult your local listings for specific showtimes)

Thanks – I’m Welcome!
(Sunday, ABC)
It’s after the Apocalypse, but Chuck Heston’s got nothing on funnyman Rich Little as the Last Man on Earth. Tune in each week as he goes slowly insane trying to order a meal, pretending to be stuck in traffic while listening to his own impressions, and fending off the flesh-eating undead.*

Robots-at-Law
(Monday, NBC)
In the Near-Future, the hard-hitting android attorneys at the class action firm LX32, Zt1P & Stein take no guff while standing up for the little guy. Who says a microchip can’t cry?

The Hoover Files
(Tuesday, CBS)
Legendary FBI honcho J. Edgar Hoover hits the streets in this hard-hitting Stephen J. Cannell action series based on the agency’s actual case files of notable Americans. Ep. 1: The Frisky Fed infiltrates lefty actor Paul Newman’s weekend fondue social, and crashes a ‘stag beach party’ in Key West to nail ‘light-in-the-loafers’ crooner Jim Nabors.

Sanford Forever
(Wednesday, NBC)
Yep- It’s finally happened. Crusty junkman Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx) has croaked and reunited with his beloved wife ‘Lizbeth’ in the afterlife. Their son Lamont has joined the LAPD, and together they tackle nasty ghetto crime with some help from some ‘not so divine’ intervention!

That’s Improbable!
(Thursday, ABC)
Shrug in mild amazement each week as the show scours this great nation to bring you the notable achievements of everyday Americans, such as the oldest grocery bagger or most efficient postman - then slowly fall asleep.

TJ & The Dragon
(Friday, CBS)
Trucker Tony Danza drives the big rigs coast-to-coast, along with his trusty companion Kato, the Komodo Dragon. The pair gets into some scrapes but has some good-time guffaws along the way.

It’s Ziggy!
(Saturday, NBC)
Everyone’s favorite sad little nebbish jumps straight from the Sunday funnies to his own show. Each show consists of a 20 min. still shot of that week’s hilarious single-panel cartoon, interspersed with special messages from sponsor Prozac.

T-Court
(In Syndication)
It’s T-Court, Fool! 3rd Circ. Mag. Judge Mr. T presides in a small-claims courtroom, hearing the gripes of Joe Six-Packs and Judy Punch-Clocks just like you & me. Only he can decide which fools to pity most.

*Soon to be a Major Motion Picture starring Steve Carrell

Don’t touch that dial!

Things To Do Last Week - OBSOLETE SHEET

Things To Do Last Week---
THE OBSOLETE SHEET CALENDAR
(condensed from the pgs of TIME’S UP NY)

WED
‘STATUS’ Opening @ You Are Not Acknowledged Gallery
(Revolving Location)

‘STATUS: Riddle, Enigma and Haiku in the Fleeting Landscape of Social Networking Status Updates’ will celebrate with opening virtual reception.
Note: In order to attend, visitors MUST register as Lifetime Followers’ of YANA Gallery on Twitter, and compulsively recheck status updates for location btw hours of 7:15 and 9:15 pm.

FRI
That Band From New Zealand @ Blah-Space

That Hugely Influential Band from New Zealand whose name you can’t remember (the one with the terminally ill drummer) will perform their one, and possibly last US gig at the intimate Blah-Space. Forged visa problems forced the band to scrap previous tour plans this year. All proceeds will go toward the drummer’s pointless medical bills and The Fight Against Global Malaise.

SUN
Open-Air Flea / Singles Meet n’ Greet @ Sewage Treatment Tower Park

Vintage sparks (and scents) will fly as young singles stroll the grounds of the recently converted green-space with over 500 vendors at hand. Darting eyes will meet as they haggle over that one ‘special score,’ and then they’ll go have babies. Cupcakes will be served.


OOPS—You Missed it! Better Luck Next Week!

OBSOLETE SHEET: VHS REVIEWZ

I watchd these in a Long Beach warehouse so you didn't hafta--

‘MEET WALLY SPARKS’

1997, Dir. P. Baldwin

The horror. There are some things in life you can’t ‘unsee,’ and rocketing up my personal list is the spectacle of a middle-aged Cindy ‘Shirley Feeney’ Williams romping in her under-things as a pale Rodney Dangerfield bangs out the ivories during his badly lip-synched rendition of Bob Seger’s ‘Old Time Rock n’ Roll.’ This misplaced ‘Risky Business’ homage is merely one in a series of disturbing scenes in this bottom-of-the-barrel Rodney vehicle.

Wally Sparks is a notorious Morton Downey/Jerry Springer ‘shock-jock’ who infuriates TV censors and his network boss (briefly, Burt Reynolds) by hosting women in lacy lingerie, and making stale Rodney jokes on the air. From the cabbie cameo of Tony Danza in an obviously not-NYC, you know you’re in for a bumpy ride. Also- hope you enjoyed the beginning glimpse of lingerie, as there are NO more good-looking people in this movie. Through a series of wacky events, Rodney (I mean Wally) winds up crashing a party at the mansion of his main foil, a sanctimonious Southern politician played by David Ogden ‘Winchester’ Stiers, as only Wally can (drunk - on horseback). Then, either due to plot or necessity, Wally is stuck wheelchair-bound at the mansion, convalescing as the Governor’s wife (Williams) and her socialite friends must deal with his crude Rodney-ness. Oh yeah- Wally’s son and the Gov’s daughter (played by 2 blocks of wood) fall in love, Wally serves the Gov a hilarious on-air comeuppance, and we witness scene after scene of really badly executed ‘comic’ chases and musical setpieces described above.

It’s hard to feel any ill will toward Rodney for this inept dreck, but viewer beware. This is no ‘Back To School.’ Just because Rodney called in some favors with his pals, doesn’t mean you have to waste 90 minutes of pain on it. I’m doing alright now- Last week I was in rough shape though.

‘OUT FOR JUSTICE’

1991, Dir. J. Flynn

“I’m lookin’ for Richie.” This is Steven Seagal’s mantra in this largely entertaining Brooklyn-set cop out for vengeance vehicle. Richie (William Forsythe), ya see, was Seagal’s childhood buddy from the ‘old neighborhood’; only he turned into a bad egg; first with The Mob, then as a loose cannon druggie murderer on a bloody rampage. His most recent victim is Seagal’s partner. Only one man can take him down. As Seagal demands from his chief (Jerry Orbach), ‘give me a sawed-off and an unmarked and I’ll take care of it.’

Seagal’s cop must go deep into his Brooklyn (Toronto) roots, sorting the truth from the Mean Streets. Along the way, we get butcher-shop baddies, stereotypical Mob cronies, Gina Gershon, Mary Mastrantonio, and plenty of fake I-talian talk from the star. It all culminates when Seagal finally finds Richie (his White Whale) and engages in a mano-a-mano face-off in a house of ill-repute. Is there any body who can do martial-arts above the waist any better?

‘RIPPER’ AKA “FEAR CITY’

1984, Dir. A. Ferrara

Here’s an OK seedy Abel Ferrara thriller with a glimpse of the real pre-Giuliani NYC, and more than a glimpse of Melanie Griffith’s boobies. It’s a modern take on ‘Jack-the-Ripper’ (ever heard of it?) as a psychopathic stalker hunts Times Square strippers. Tom Berenger and Jack Scalia play The Rossi Bros., two brothers running a stripper-placement agency, forced to deal with the extinction of their talent. Oh yeah, Berenger has some kind of history with Griffith.

Along the way, we get nice Times Square flavor, pseudo Taxi Driver psycho purification training and the aforementioned boobies. Berenger must get involved again to protect his old flame, who has a nagging junk-habit from back in the day. The climax in a dark alley is a bit of a let-down (he knows karate) but still recommended.

‘GRIZZLY’ aka 'CLAWS'

1976, Dir. W. Girdler

More than one of the best ‘Jaws’ knockoffs out there. (This time-he’s a bear!) Christopher George plays an increasingly frustrated Roy Scheider-like Park Ranger (Son-of-a Bitch!) must deal with a murderous monster Grizzly on the loose. From the bear POV shots as it lops off heads and limbs of bathing beauties in glorious orange blood to the priceless dialogue, this is one to remember.

The ‘Jaws’ dynamic carries into the hero/authority dynamic and unnecessary backstory of our protagonist. “I’m out here making these woods a part of me, while you’re going back to your brown plastic office in Warshington!” our ranger tells the local ambitious politican. For the Richard Dreyfuss flair, we get an eccentric bear expert who lives among the forest creatures and can think like them. And then there’s the jaded local cokehead helicopter pilot, the last friend our ranger’s got. Together, this triumvirate must put a stop to the Grizzliness as only they know how. Two paws up, girlfriend.