With the recent enactment of the smoking ban in public parks, change is afoot in the city’s green spaces. Let’s take a look at what’s new on the books this season ~
Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.
PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.
Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)
Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.
‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Restaurant Round-Up
A periodic survey of exciting new urban dining trends.
Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’
Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?
Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.
The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.
The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.
Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’
Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?
Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.
The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.
The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Green Jobs for The ‘New Normal’
Do you find yourself adrift in ennui, twiddling your thumbs in half-hearted anticipation of the re-scheduled Rapture? Try one of these innovative & rewarding new job opportunities that may be right under your nose!
99-cent Store Hospitality Professional No Wal-Mart in your hood yet? Don’t let that stop you from meeting & greeting your community where you see them the most. Just turn in place, offering a hearty handshake and ‘Hola’ to the family of 8 behind you. Presto- you’re hired!
Freelance Plastic Bag Wrangler There’s one! No wait- there’s a bunch. Get ‘em! I think you can boil ‘em down and make oil. Take that, BP!
Used Mp3 Dealer Are yer ‘clickety’ friends loaded down with all those downloads? They say the music industry is dying, but there’s never been a better time for visionary entrepreneurs. Help bargain-minded net-surfers score that special find, and recycle to boot! Just draw up your own ‘download cards’ and set up a 21st century 3-card monte stand. By the time they catch on, you’ll be long gone…
Poop Scout With the recent rampant cutbacks in public services, the Sanitation dept. needs all the help it can get! Become a ‘poop scout,’ carefully pinpointing the greatest concentrations of canine/human excrement in your area and composing a ‘virtual poop map’ app so the professionals can most efficiently apply their resources.
Dumpster Security Those things aren’t going to guard themselves! Suit up an’ keep those pesky ‘freegan’ bloggers from diving for scraps. That’s why they call it garbage, maggot!
99-cent Store Hospitality Professional No Wal-Mart in your hood yet? Don’t let that stop you from meeting & greeting your community where you see them the most. Just turn in place, offering a hearty handshake and ‘Hola’ to the family of 8 behind you. Presto- you’re hired!
Freelance Plastic Bag Wrangler There’s one! No wait- there’s a bunch. Get ‘em! I think you can boil ‘em down and make oil. Take that, BP!
Used Mp3 Dealer Are yer ‘clickety’ friends loaded down with all those downloads? They say the music industry is dying, but there’s never been a better time for visionary entrepreneurs. Help bargain-minded net-surfers score that special find, and recycle to boot! Just draw up your own ‘download cards’ and set up a 21st century 3-card monte stand. By the time they catch on, you’ll be long gone…
Poop Scout With the recent rampant cutbacks in public services, the Sanitation dept. needs all the help it can get! Become a ‘poop scout,’ carefully pinpointing the greatest concentrations of canine/human excrement in your area and composing a ‘virtual poop map’ app so the professionals can most efficiently apply their resources.
Dumpster Security Those things aren’t going to guard themselves! Suit up an’ keep those pesky ‘freegan’ bloggers from diving for scraps. That’s why they call it garbage, maggot!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Boulevard of Death
I aged a year this morning
just trying to cross the street
White man only gets you half-way
so you have to trust your feet
On the Boulevard of Death
I wrote a letter to the city
detailing my concerns.
They sent me a form email
Man- that really burns!
On the Boulevard of Death
The laundry is dirty
and the cupboard is bare.
You take your life in your hands
stepping out over there.
On the Boulevard of Death
Left the house this morning-
got side-swiped by a hearse.
The traffic keeps on coming,
and it's only getting worse.
(song-poem)
Thank you for your email concerning the pedestrian signal on 4th Avenue Brooklyn.
We appreciate your interest and look forward to working with you on this issue.
Brooklyn Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will work with the Brooklyn Borough Engineer Office to ensure that this matter is addressed properly. .
Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will inform you of our findings and recommendations.
The safety of our residents is of primary concern to the NYCDOT. Your participation in transportation issues which affect your community is greatly appreciated.
Customer Service Division
New York City Department of Transportation
just trying to cross the street
White man only gets you half-way
so you have to trust your feet
On the Boulevard of Death
I wrote a letter to the city
detailing my concerns.
They sent me a form email
Man- that really burns!
On the Boulevard of Death
The laundry is dirty
and the cupboard is bare.
You take your life in your hands
stepping out over there.
On the Boulevard of Death
Left the house this morning-
got side-swiped by a hearse.
The traffic keeps on coming,
and it's only getting worse.
(song-poem)
Thank you for your email concerning the pedestrian signal on 4th Avenue Brooklyn.
We appreciate your interest and look forward to working with you on this issue.
Brooklyn Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will work with the Brooklyn Borough Engineer Office to ensure that this matter is addressed properly. .
Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will inform you of our findings and recommendations.
The safety of our residents is of primary concern to the NYCDOT. Your participation in transportation issues which affect your community is greatly appreciated.
Customer Service Division
New York City Department of Transportation
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Replacements
It’s that time again ~ Mid-Season Mania, that is, when the Tube shakes up its old, tired programming with some shiny new, tired programs*! Here’s just a few of those new kids on the block.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Get More Real!
Even More Exciting Reality TV Prospects on the Horizon ~
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Have you jumped the shark? *
1) Your inner voice is now played by Ted McGinley
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)