As we all know, Everything old is new again in Tinseltown. Now, along with its embrace of pointless remakes and sequels, Hollywood has also dusted off a fave gimmick of the nifty 1950s- 3-D! With updated digital 3D systems, studios have a whole new reason to jack up ticket prices and boost their box office, giving a whole new meaning to ‘the shit hitting the fan!’ Here are just a few of the exciting 3-D franchise projects in the hopper.
The Hangover 3-D The bros are back for the ultimate bender (at a funeral), and this time it’s in your face! Their laughless escapades will seem all the more painful in three dimensions. Dude- those tits are coming right at me. And so is the vomit!
Sex & The World (3-D) In this bold third installment of the ‘Sex & the City’ franchise, an alien race threatens the Earth’s greatest cities with obliteration (again), and we have only one line of defense. Time for Sarah J. and the rest of the swanky Gotham gals to suit up for space! The ladies must use their guile (& wiles) to show those pesky space bridge & tunnel invaders why we deserve to live - and shop! Do open-toed Manolos fly in zero-G?
Teen Wolf 3-D An always-game Jason Bateman reprises his role as the hirsute title character from the last installment- now a grown-up suburban Milwaukee businessman. He takes in his troubled nephew (Shia Labeouf) from the mean streets of Sheboygan, trying to set him on the straight and narrow. Only trouble is- some things run in the family, and it’s going to take more than just an attitude adjustment for the youth to succeed (& win the Ultimate Fighting regionals!)
Three Men and a Baby (Cubed!) The bachelor dads (Danson, Selleck, Guttenberg) return for a triple helping of fun, as they must raise a batch of morbidly obese test-tube triplets. The laughs are exponentially greater, and you just might think a bit too, as director Leonard Nimoy asks some troubling questions about the population boom. (Plus the pee comes right at you!)
Rupert & Me (3-D) Not a sequel, per-se, but another of muckraking porcine director Michael Moore’s liberal social filmic essays- and this time, it’s in your face! Jurassic Park’s got nothing on the terrifying sight of an immense, sweaty and angrily righteous Michael Moore lunging at you with a microphone. This time, he takes on the Wizard of Oz of the modern day tabloid-media empire, Rupert Murdoch, ambushing him (conveniently) at an Australian resort, with plenty of opportunities for beach-side interrogation (and T&A).
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Stimulus!
With disappointing job growth figures and gas prices shooting through the roof, talk continues to mount over fears of a ‘double-dip’ recession, sending the nation’s economy into a downward spiral of no return. Calls are growing for more bold intervention – here are just a few of the new ideas on the block.
No Internet Privileges for One Year The Defense Dept. built it, and they can take it away. So get out of your room, Poindexters, and meet the dismal reality that awaits! The job market will only improve through suicide or attrition- two inevitable results of shutting down the ‘Google-box.’
Domestic USO Tour led by reanimated Bob Hope, Phish, Dave Matthews Band If we sometimes devolve into partisan and class-based bickering, surely we can come together to rally behind the undisputed greatest comedian and rock bands of all time. Why should Laos get all the best shows? A freshly unfrozen Hope will lead a caravan of favorite stars and hotties through America’s heartland to rev up our communal spirit w/zesty wit, boobs and interminable songs.
Pay-What-You-Can (Everywhere) What kind of a nation are we if we can’t trust the Honor System and our fellow citizens? From tuition to gas to homes to automobiles, let’s level this capitalist bear to zero and see where we’re at. Don’t judge, player.
‘Gay for a Day’ National Gay Marriage Contest With many states seeing the shifting winds of change sweeping across the nation, why not pit them against each other in healthy competition for the ultimate ‘Rainbow Connection? Each state will race to record the most gay nuptials in one day, with the winning state receiving much-prized federal infrastructure spending aid, and a spot in Guinness!
Washington Mall National Monthly Swap Meet Forget the yucky ‘double-dip,’ and grab a double-dip soft-serve cone as you stroll the immense monthly national swap meet on the mall of the Washington Monument. Pick up that used Howitzer you didn’t know you needed, as government bureaus and private dealers alike haggle for your Yankee dollar. It’s what we do best.
No Internet Privileges for One Year The Defense Dept. built it, and they can take it away. So get out of your room, Poindexters, and meet the dismal reality that awaits! The job market will only improve through suicide or attrition- two inevitable results of shutting down the ‘Google-box.’
Domestic USO Tour led by reanimated Bob Hope, Phish, Dave Matthews Band If we sometimes devolve into partisan and class-based bickering, surely we can come together to rally behind the undisputed greatest comedian and rock bands of all time. Why should Laos get all the best shows? A freshly unfrozen Hope will lead a caravan of favorite stars and hotties through America’s heartland to rev up our communal spirit w/zesty wit, boobs and interminable songs.
Pay-What-You-Can (Everywhere) What kind of a nation are we if we can’t trust the Honor System and our fellow citizens? From tuition to gas to homes to automobiles, let’s level this capitalist bear to zero and see where we’re at. Don’t judge, player.
‘Gay for a Day’ National Gay Marriage Contest With many states seeing the shifting winds of change sweeping across the nation, why not pit them against each other in healthy competition for the ultimate ‘Rainbow Connection? Each state will race to record the most gay nuptials in one day, with the winning state receiving much-prized federal infrastructure spending aid, and a spot in Guinness!
Washington Mall National Monthly Swap Meet Forget the yucky ‘double-dip,’ and grab a double-dip soft-serve cone as you stroll the immense monthly national swap meet on the mall of the Washington Monument. Pick up that used Howitzer you didn’t know you needed, as government bureaus and private dealers alike haggle for your Yankee dollar. It’s what we do best.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Parks & Regs
With the recent enactment of the smoking ban in public parks, change is afoot in the city’s green spaces. Let’s take a look at what’s new on the books this season ~
Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.
PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.
Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)
Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.
‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.
Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.
PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.
Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)
Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.
‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Restaurant Round-Up
A periodic survey of exciting new urban dining trends.
Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’
Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?
Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.
The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.
The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.
Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’
Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?
Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.
The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.
The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.
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