Yet More Things to Do Last Week

In our vibrant city, it’s easy to forget which events to skip. Here’s just a few you missed when you blinked ~

(Tues) Snoop Dogg performance / book-signing @ Barnes & Noble Union Square
The mega-platinum rapper & ultra-high multimedia playa arrives in town to promote his new memoir, The Audacity of Dope. He will perform several fresh new remixed tracks and provide a few tips on how to become a lovable super-stoned media darling after killing a few dudes.

(Wed) Film Forum’s ‘Unrelated Sequels’ series continues with the harrowing 1-2 emotional punch of Tap & Taps. Didn’t know Gregory Hines’ tap-dancing skills and ultra-strict teen military schools had anything in common? Just watch closely (& dance, maggot)!

(Thurs) ‘Eat Local’ Day - Dining destinations from the gourmet to the greasy-spoon will compete for the locavore dollar, vying to achieve the fastest ‘kill-to-table’ ratio while serving their discerning patrons the freshest animal, vegetable or mineral entree. Some Chinatown restaurants have already gotten a jump on the exciting event, offering a new ‘Catch of the Day’ rotating daily vermin-sourced in-house menu option!

(Fri) ‘The Living Kaleidoscope’ Park - In the tradition of ‘repurposed’ public spaces like the successful ‘High-Line’ comes this newly minted curiosity, a former sewage drainage tunnel abutting the Brooklyn Battery, now converted into an enchanting life-size revolving kaleidoscope filled with shards of locally-blown glass - perfect for enchanting observers and distracting from the blinding white noise of the BQE. A modest seating area will be provided in the expressway median for lingering views.

(Sat) The Jell-O Joint Opening - The ever-narrowing race for niche-food specialization conquers a new frontier - Jell-O! The Kraft-sponsored Jell-O Joint, opening in the shell of a gutted unsightly OTB parlor, will feature a wide ‘artisinal gelatin’ selection, including vegan and soy varieties, whimsically shaped & molded by local craft-food artistes. Be sure to try the vodka-infused spirulina Jell-O shots & the delish nori pudding pop! We’re all Cosby Kids in the end.

In The Papers #2

It's Thursday - time to catch up with our periodic random sampling of this week's headlines you may have missed ~

(Finance)
Dow Up 200 pts. in Anticipation of
Speech by Chairman of Franklin Mint

(Metro)
WTC Developer Insists New Freedom Tower ‘Kong-Proof’

(Sports)
NBA Draft Adopts ‘Musical Chairs’ Format

(Crime)
Headless Body Found in Wireless Store
(an updated classic)

(Politics)
New Law Would Force Returning Vets to Build Casinos

(TV/Ent.)
Regis Philbin Announces “I Have Media Empire Too!”

The Climate-Savvy Tourist (2020 ed.)

Mother Nature sure has been getting ‘uppity’ lately, unleashing drought, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes in areas unaccustomed to such weather violence. Whether you attribute this upheaval to man-made causes, or simply ‘female trouble,’ there’s no denying America’s flora and fauna is not what it used to be! Does this mean you should stay inside on permanent ‘lockdown,’ quaking with fear at the next potential environmental catastrophe? Psshaah. With a few tips, the intrepid modern tourist can be ready to pack their bags and seize the day! Here are just a few spots being pegged for the U.S.’s next ‘hot spot’ destinations.

Detroit Summer - When Nature in her terrifying wisdom consolidated the 5 Great Lakes into one giant, easier-to-manage ‘Greatest Lake’ - (Mother Superior), she also created a new mega-recreation destination. America’s gritty blue-collar wasteland had long seen better days, and was just waiting for it’s close-up. Say hello to the ‘Boater City!’

Spring Break - Juneau - With the tragic loss of the Florida peninsula, millions of eager college coeds were wondering ‘What now?’ Our northern Alaskan neighbor, where it now only rains in winter, stretches open its grubby oil-rich arms to welcome the fun-loving youth market. Spring brings good hunting, fishing & funnels! Thousands of wet T-shirts announce, “C’mon, Juneau you wanna!”

Thunderdome, Nebraska - Although prison construction has become one of America’s few boom industries (can’t build ‘em fast enough!), surging Bartertown crime rates and shrinking land mass forced the country to seek inspiration from its one true God - Hollywood. Take the family on a ‘scared straight!’ tour of Oprah Winfrey’s sprawling state-of-the-art domed vocational/gladiatorial facilities spanning the state, where lucky ‘interns’ man a wide variety of franchise concession stands, and the irredeemable ‘square pegs’ must duke it out in the ring. We don’t need another hero.

St. Louis, ‘America’s Venice’ - Several U.S. cities will be vying for this title, but scenic St. Louis will no doubt win over the ‘less swampy’ crowd. The mighty Missoura and Mississip’ long ago merged, creating a network of tributaries, and a lively ever-roving riverboat-based government seat and nightlife. In the future, we’re all river-folk.

Southwest Casino Mall Crawl - As fires layed waste to the Southwest’s precious greenery, and Texas succumbed to withering drought, the vast desert region said ‘Why not?’ and made lemonade from Nature’s dry, putrid fruit. What would make gambling even better? Put a roof on it! The Vegas Strip, now a year-round indoor climate-controlled wonderland, stretches across its formerly jealous neighboring states (Arizona, NM) and deep to the heart of Texas. Now it’s always 65 degrees, lushy carpeted and the ante - is you!

In The Papers!

Let's catch up with our periodic random sampling of this week's headlines you may have missed ~

(Global)
Rapture Supporters Change Course; Prefer World Not End

(Domestic)
U.S. Economy Checks Into Rehab for ‘Exhaustion’: Recovery Postponed (TMZ)

(Metro)
Smart Phone Kills Dumb Guy

(Politics)
Republican Presidential Candidates Request Change to ‘Take-Home’ Debate Format

(Entertainment)
Shark Week Leaves 3 Paralyzed - with Suspense!