I aged a year this morning
just trying to cross the street
White man only gets you half-way
so you have to trust your feet
On the Boulevard of Death
I wrote a letter to the city
detailing my concerns.
They sent me a form email
Man- that really burns!
On the Boulevard of Death
The laundry is dirty
and the cupboard is bare.
You take your life in your hands
stepping out over there.
On the Boulevard of Death
Left the house this morning-
got side-swiped by a hearse.
The traffic keeps on coming,
and it's only getting worse.
(song-poem)
Thank you for your email concerning the pedestrian signal on 4th Avenue Brooklyn.
We appreciate your interest and look forward to working with you on this issue.
Brooklyn Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will work with the Brooklyn Borough Engineer Office to ensure that this matter is addressed properly. .
Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will inform you of our findings and recommendations.
The safety of our residents is of primary concern to the NYCDOT. Your participation in transportation issues which affect your community is greatly appreciated.
Customer Service Division
New York City Department of Transportation
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Replacements
It’s that time again ~ Mid-Season Mania, that is, when the Tube shakes up its old, tired programming with some shiny new, tired programs*! Here’s just a few of those new kids on the block.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Get More Real!
Even More Exciting Reality TV Prospects on the Horizon ~
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Have you jumped the shark? *
1) Your inner voice is now played by Ted McGinley
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Obsolete Sheet: K-9000 (1991)
K-9000 (TV 1991)
Director: Kim Manners
Writers: Michael Part, Steven E. de Souza
Starring: Chris Mulkey, Catherine Oxenberg, Dennis Haysbert, and Jerry Houser (as the voice of ‘Niner’)
A policeman and a female scientist team up to recover her latest creation, a cybernetic, crime-fighting dog.
The cop-dog buddy movie (Turner and Hooch, K-9, this dreck) is a much-maligned, underappreciated? genre of filmmaking magic that seems not to have made it into the new millennium. Perhaps there is a lost innocence in our willingness to believe our stars (Hanks, Belushi etc.) and their quadrupedal best friends solving urban crimes in the era of suicide planes and biological warfare. But who better to sniff out dirty bombs than man’s best friend? Maybe we just need a gritty Bourne Identity-style techno-update. In the best cop-dog film, these canine pals become closer than a human partner, true confidantes that will take a bullet for ya and still hump your leg.
And then there’s this movie (speaking of dirty bombs, look out, ahem!). I didn’t have the good fortune to tune in from the very beginning. But when I did, I couldn’t look away. Mulkey (the abusive trucker husband of Shelley the waitress on Twin Peaks) plays a mulleted crude boozer LA cop in the Gibson/Russell vein (minus 75% personality) who is forced to partner with glamorous Euro cyber-scientist (Oxenberg) to get to the baddy weapons-smugglers that left his black human partner (Haysbert) in a coma.
When I tuned in, they were infiltrating a top-secret lab bunker in which the “K-9000” project sat in a mysterious box. Oxenberg explains it’s a special technology that involves microchip communication between specially-rigged ‘cyber-dogs’ and computer dispatchers. Only problem? During a shoot-out in the lab, the cyber-dog (German Shepherd) bursts out of his saran-wrap prematurely, and the cyberchip receiver somehow winds up in the loser cop’s head. (sorry-didn’t catch how).
So anyhoo, the cop wakes up holding a bottle of Jack in his beach cabana, with the dog staring at him inquisitively. He starts hearing voices – specifically a nebbishy Jewish voice-over asking him how he is feeling and if he would like help with his investigation. Holy shit! The dog is still talking to him, and his fucking mouth doesn’t move. (cyber-telepathy, natch) After the requisite throwing the bottle down and trying to sleep it off, the dog keeps hassling him (and won’t fetch balls, since it’s ‘canine’ brain area was removed for the chip.) Taking it in stride, it’s now a Knight Rider deal and the cop reluctantly grows to rely on the dog’s techno-skills (like clearing an outside line on a payphone.)
It all winds up on Catalina Island (the fucking wine mixer!) where they track the baddy smugglers to the top of a tower and K-9000 pushes that Euro son-of-a-bitch right off to save Mulkey, dangling from the edge. Partner comes out of coma, Mulkey and Oxenberg recline on the beach, and K-9000 (in sunglasses) remembers how to fetch balls- and suck them. This film might have killed the cop-dog movie for good after all. Only time will tell?
For a flashier version (w/clips, posters & ads!) please see The Obsolete Sheet.
Director: Kim Manners
Writers: Michael Part, Steven E. de Souza
Starring: Chris Mulkey, Catherine Oxenberg, Dennis Haysbert, and Jerry Houser (as the voice of ‘Niner’)
A policeman and a female scientist team up to recover her latest creation, a cybernetic, crime-fighting dog.
The cop-dog buddy movie (Turner and Hooch, K-9, this dreck) is a much-maligned, underappreciated? genre of filmmaking magic that seems not to have made it into the new millennium. Perhaps there is a lost innocence in our willingness to believe our stars (Hanks, Belushi etc.) and their quadrupedal best friends solving urban crimes in the era of suicide planes and biological warfare. But who better to sniff out dirty bombs than man’s best friend? Maybe we just need a gritty Bourne Identity-style techno-update. In the best cop-dog film, these canine pals become closer than a human partner, true confidantes that will take a bullet for ya and still hump your leg.
And then there’s this movie (speaking of dirty bombs, look out, ahem!). I didn’t have the good fortune to tune in from the very beginning. But when I did, I couldn’t look away. Mulkey (the abusive trucker husband of Shelley the waitress on Twin Peaks) plays a mulleted crude boozer LA cop in the Gibson/Russell vein (minus 75% personality) who is forced to partner with glamorous Euro cyber-scientist (Oxenberg) to get to the baddy weapons-smugglers that left his black human partner (Haysbert) in a coma.
When I tuned in, they were infiltrating a top-secret lab bunker in which the “K-9000” project sat in a mysterious box. Oxenberg explains it’s a special technology that involves microchip communication between specially-rigged ‘cyber-dogs’ and computer dispatchers. Only problem? During a shoot-out in the lab, the cyber-dog (German Shepherd) bursts out of his saran-wrap prematurely, and the cyberchip receiver somehow winds up in the loser cop’s head. (sorry-didn’t catch how).
So anyhoo, the cop wakes up holding a bottle of Jack in his beach cabana, with the dog staring at him inquisitively. He starts hearing voices – specifically a nebbishy Jewish voice-over asking him how he is feeling and if he would like help with his investigation. Holy shit! The dog is still talking to him, and his fucking mouth doesn’t move. (cyber-telepathy, natch) After the requisite throwing the bottle down and trying to sleep it off, the dog keeps hassling him (and won’t fetch balls, since it’s ‘canine’ brain area was removed for the chip.) Taking it in stride, it’s now a Knight Rider deal and the cop reluctantly grows to rely on the dog’s techno-skills (like clearing an outside line on a payphone.)
It all winds up on Catalina Island (the fucking wine mixer!) where they track the baddy smugglers to the top of a tower and K-9000 pushes that Euro son-of-a-bitch right off to save Mulkey, dangling from the edge. Partner comes out of coma, Mulkey and Oxenberg recline on the beach, and K-9000 (in sunglasses) remembers how to fetch balls- and suck them. This film might have killed the cop-dog movie for good after all. Only time will tell?
For a flashier version (w/clips, posters & ads!) please see The Obsolete Sheet.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
At The Newsstand
What’s that you say? Print media is in its last death throes? Far from it! Actually the magazine’s appeal is just becoming more selective. A host of new titles targeting urban and suburban niche-markets testify to the ongoing importance of our glossies in arenas varying from the waiting room to the poop-strewn sidewalk. Just a few of the new crop:
The Entitled Asshole
Are you new to town, but looking to ‘own it,’ and immediately resent all others who came before or after? Keep up to date with this informative monthly, including many forums for various smug sons-of-bitches, such as which urban accessory best fits your lifestyle – dog, SUV or human infant?
Water-Cooler Weekly
Always the last to know the latest TV-minted catchphrase to throw around the office? Really!? This handy digest rounds-up all the week’s notable programming in ‘Comedy’ or ‘Drama’ and includes plot summaries (where necessary). You don’t need to watch 3 DVDs of ‘The Wire’ in one weekend, or “How I Met Your Mother” ever! Just subscribe to this for a year! Talk to the Hand!
Orgy of Death
All obituaries – all the time. Rounded up from the smallest country gazette to the most cosmopolitan of rags. (Now w/juicy ‘Dead Gossip’ insert!) Let this digest of the deceased be your first reassuring read in the morning with your coffee + juice (if you’re still alive.)
Sewer + Stream
Camo’s not just for the country anymore! In the New Depression, all bets are off and this monthly will keep you prepared with the latest in urban survival (and prospering!) techniques. Learn which gauge ammo or dirty bomb to use when hunting raccoon / squirrel / rat, how to ‘blend in’ on Bedford Ave. when stalking elusive hipster jailbait, and the latest methods of drinking your own pee. (Smoothies?)
The Entitled Asshole
Are you new to town, but looking to ‘own it,’ and immediately resent all others who came before or after? Keep up to date with this informative monthly, including many forums for various smug sons-of-bitches, such as which urban accessory best fits your lifestyle – dog, SUV or human infant?
Water-Cooler Weekly
Always the last to know the latest TV-minted catchphrase to throw around the office? Really!? This handy digest rounds-up all the week’s notable programming in ‘Comedy’ or ‘Drama’ and includes plot summaries (where necessary). You don’t need to watch 3 DVDs of ‘The Wire’ in one weekend, or “How I Met Your Mother” ever! Just subscribe to this for a year! Talk to the Hand!
Orgy of Death
All obituaries – all the time. Rounded up from the smallest country gazette to the most cosmopolitan of rags. (Now w/juicy ‘Dead Gossip’ insert!) Let this digest of the deceased be your first reassuring read in the morning with your coffee + juice (if you’re still alive.)
Sewer + Stream
Camo’s not just for the country anymore! In the New Depression, all bets are off and this monthly will keep you prepared with the latest in urban survival (and prospering!) techniques. Learn which gauge ammo or dirty bomb to use when hunting raccoon / squirrel / rat, how to ‘blend in’ on Bedford Ave. when stalking elusive hipster jailbait, and the latest methods of drinking your own pee. (Smoothies?)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Get Real
The New Slate of Promising Reality-TV Shows
Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.
So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.
Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?
Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!
America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?
Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.
So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.
Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?
Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!
America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Recipe Nook
America’s cutting-edge chain restaurants are forging ahead into brave new taste terrain. Think you can do better at home? Why not try your hand at a few of these potential new family sensations.
BLT Loaf
Think outside the bread! as the standby bacon, lettuce, tomato is lovingly embraced by two solid slabs of mom-style meatloaf and slathered with mayo, for a hearty sandwich any time of day.
Pizzerole
Take your favorite oven-baked casserole ~ (mac n’ cheese, noodles romanoff, pork n’ beans are all good choices) and raise it a notch by slapping a zesty pizza on top! Finally the kids can agree on dinner.
Lasagna Fry
Bored with grandma’s old-world lasagna recipe? Why not light a fire under it and drop it in the fryer? Crisp breading meets tangy Italian meat and noodles for your new favorite Sunday family treat.
Grilled Chocolate n’Cheese
Why not? You love both- make it happen. Simply put together your favorite griller, then layer a healthy dose of your choice chocolate sauce inside for a savory special feeling.
Chicken Nugget Omelette
Take your fave nuggets (fancy sauce n’ all) and wrap em’ inside a new blanket of eggy goodness ~ melt cheese of your choice (Velveeta works great) and call it breakfast!
Happy Eating & Be sure to send us your new favorites!
BLT Loaf
Think outside the bread! as the standby bacon, lettuce, tomato is lovingly embraced by two solid slabs of mom-style meatloaf and slathered with mayo, for a hearty sandwich any time of day.
Pizzerole
Take your favorite oven-baked casserole ~ (mac n’ cheese, noodles romanoff, pork n’ beans are all good choices) and raise it a notch by slapping a zesty pizza on top! Finally the kids can agree on dinner.
Lasagna Fry
Bored with grandma’s old-world lasagna recipe? Why not light a fire under it and drop it in the fryer? Crisp breading meets tangy Italian meat and noodles for your new favorite Sunday family treat.
Grilled Chocolate n’Cheese
Why not? You love both- make it happen. Simply put together your favorite griller, then layer a healthy dose of your choice chocolate sauce inside for a savory special feeling.
Chicken Nugget Omelette
Take your fave nuggets (fancy sauce n’ all) and wrap em’ inside a new blanket of eggy goodness ~ melt cheese of your choice (Velveeta works great) and call it breakfast!
Happy Eating & Be sure to send us your new favorites!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
WELCOME, IMPUDENT SNOBS!
~ To the next stop on your tour, the living diorama of COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG. Here you can sample the sights and smells of ‘New Yawk’ without ever having to step outside your post-collegiate comfort bubble! Witness the summer spectacle: a cavalcade of colorful ‘New York characters’ engaged in their vanishing neighborhood habitat. You newly minted ivy-league sweethearts and edgy postpunk ‘loners’ will strut by the stoops, street-fairs and bodegas of the urban wonderland, coming so close to actual ‘Brooklyn Types’ (“Italians,” “Puerto Ricans,” and “Jews”) you can almost touch them! Be careful, though- there is a chance they will try and pierce your bubble if you step beyond this year’s ‘safe zone’ we previously discussed. Be sure to enjoy the daily local events happening all along the tour route—
1) Indie-Off Opening Ceremonies (feat. Big Sunglass-Off, Twee-Off etc.)
(10am ~ Bedford and N. 7th)
2) The Pale-Off aka Can you pass for a Pole?
(2pm ~ The American Apparel Greenpoint Gate @ McCarren Park)
3) Bicycle Jousting (sundown ~ Kent Ave)
4) Locally sourced candle-dipping for singles (multiple locations)
Williamsburg – where it’s never not 1994.
1) Indie-Off Opening Ceremonies (feat. Big Sunglass-Off, Twee-Off etc.)
(10am ~ Bedford and N. 7th)
2) The Pale-Off aka Can you pass for a Pole?
(2pm ~ The American Apparel Greenpoint Gate @ McCarren Park)
3) Bicycle Jousting (sundown ~ Kent Ave)
4) Locally sourced candle-dipping for singles (multiple locations)
Williamsburg – where it’s never not 1994.
Monday, June 21, 2010
MORE Things to Do Last Week!
MORE Things to Do Last Week!
(Condensed from the pgs of Time's Up NY)
MON
Movies in the MP @ Prime Meats
Come on down to take in a flick at sunset, projected on the blank yet blood-stained wall of the Prime Meats slaughterhouse in the industrial-chic meat-packing district. This week: Blooper Night! Enjoy a parade of blooper reels from your favorite cosmopolitan girls in ‘SATC,’ perhaps catching a glimpse of Miranda’s penis. You go, girlfriends.
Next week: ‘Men in Black’ bloopers.
TUES
John Cage Karaoke @ The Sketch-Pad
Aspiring avant-amateurs will hone their rendition of the legendary experimental composer’s seminal piece, ’12 Minutes of Silence,’ on stage before an audience of their adoring peers. The Sketch-Pad is a DIY venue located in that teetering warehouse down by the canal- follow toxic scent from nearby White Castle.
WED
Free Mystery Concert @ The Crochet Concern
Alright so it’s actually red-hot Canadian super-group collective Wolf! Wolf? Wolves?! who are gracing our burg at this very special free show. RSVP required last Thursday, admission not guaranteed or encouraged. See you there!
THURS
Sorrell Booke Memorial Lecture @ Museum of Disposable Visual Culture
Actor Pat Harrington, TV’s ‘Snyder’ from ‘One Day at a Time,’ addresses the vanishing role of the urban building superintendent in today’s modern sit-com landscape, and whether he is actually a licensed plumber.
FRI
Bushwick Ice Follies Present: ‘Soul On Ice: The Musical,’ based on the prison memoirs of radical Black Panther liberationist leader Eldridge Cleaver, and featuring a dynamic period soundtrack. It’s a Revolution – on ice!
Plus ~ 37 other simultaneous free summer events aimed at your youthful, hip demographic!
(Condensed from the pgs of Time's Up NY)
MON
Movies in the MP @ Prime Meats
Come on down to take in a flick at sunset, projected on the blank yet blood-stained wall of the Prime Meats slaughterhouse in the industrial-chic meat-packing district. This week: Blooper Night! Enjoy a parade of blooper reels from your favorite cosmopolitan girls in ‘SATC,’ perhaps catching a glimpse of Miranda’s penis. You go, girlfriends.
Next week: ‘Men in Black’ bloopers.
TUES
John Cage Karaoke @ The Sketch-Pad
Aspiring avant-amateurs will hone their rendition of the legendary experimental composer’s seminal piece, ’12 Minutes of Silence,’ on stage before an audience of their adoring peers. The Sketch-Pad is a DIY venue located in that teetering warehouse down by the canal- follow toxic scent from nearby White Castle.
WED
Free Mystery Concert @ The Crochet Concern
Alright so it’s actually red-hot Canadian super-group collective Wolf! Wolf? Wolves?! who are gracing our burg at this very special free show. RSVP required last Thursday, admission not guaranteed or encouraged. See you there!
THURS
Sorrell Booke Memorial Lecture @ Museum of Disposable Visual Culture
Actor Pat Harrington, TV’s ‘Snyder’ from ‘One Day at a Time,’ addresses the vanishing role of the urban building superintendent in today’s modern sit-com landscape, and whether he is actually a licensed plumber.
FRI
Bushwick Ice Follies Present: ‘Soul On Ice: The Musical,’ based on the prison memoirs of radical Black Panther liberationist leader Eldridge Cleaver, and featuring a dynamic period soundtrack. It’s a Revolution – on ice!
Plus ~ 37 other simultaneous free summer events aimed at your youthful, hip demographic!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
OBSOLETE SHEET: What to Watch!
A selective peek at the upcoming TV season:
(Consult your local listings for specific showtimes)
Thanks – I’m Welcome!
(Sunday, ABC)
It’s after the Apocalypse, but Chuck Heston’s got nothing on funnyman Rich Little as the Last Man on Earth. Tune in each week as he goes slowly insane trying to order a meal, pretending to be stuck in traffic while listening to his own impressions, and fending off the flesh-eating undead.*
Robots-at-Law
(Monday, NBC)
In the Near-Future, the hard-hitting android attorneys at the class action firm LX32, Zt1P & Stein take no guff while standing up for the little guy. Who says a microchip can’t cry?
The Hoover Files
(Tuesday, CBS)
Legendary FBI honcho J. Edgar Hoover hits the streets in this hard-hitting Stephen J. Cannell action series based on the agency’s actual case files of notable Americans. Ep. 1: The Frisky Fed infiltrates lefty actor Paul Newman’s weekend fondue social, and crashes a ‘stag beach party’ in Key West to nail ‘light-in-the-loafers’ crooner Jim Nabors.
Sanford Forever
(Wednesday, NBC)
Yep- It’s finally happened. Crusty junkman Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx) has croaked and reunited with his beloved wife ‘Lizbeth’ in the afterlife. Their son Lamont has joined the LAPD, and together they tackle nasty ghetto crime with some help from some ‘not so divine’ intervention!
That’s Improbable!
(Thursday, ABC)
Shrug in mild amazement each week as the show scours this great nation to bring you the notable achievements of everyday Americans, such as the oldest grocery bagger or most efficient postman - then slowly fall asleep.
TJ & The Dragon
(Friday, CBS)
Trucker Tony Danza drives the big rigs coast-to-coast, along with his trusty companion Kato, the Komodo Dragon. The pair gets into some scrapes but has some good-time guffaws along the way.
It’s Ziggy!
(Saturday, NBC)
Everyone’s favorite sad little nebbish jumps straight from the Sunday funnies to his own show. Each show consists of a 20 min. still shot of that week’s hilarious single-panel cartoon, interspersed with special messages from sponsor Prozac.
T-Court
(In Syndication)
It’s T-Court, Fool! 3rd Circ. Mag. Judge Mr. T presides in a small-claims courtroom, hearing the gripes of Joe Six-Packs and Judy Punch-Clocks just like you & me. Only he can decide which fools to pity most.
*Soon to be a Major Motion Picture starring Steve Carrell
Don’t touch that dial!
(Consult your local listings for specific showtimes)
Thanks – I’m Welcome!
(Sunday, ABC)
It’s after the Apocalypse, but Chuck Heston’s got nothing on funnyman Rich Little as the Last Man on Earth. Tune in each week as he goes slowly insane trying to order a meal, pretending to be stuck in traffic while listening to his own impressions, and fending off the flesh-eating undead.*
Robots-at-Law
(Monday, NBC)
In the Near-Future, the hard-hitting android attorneys at the class action firm LX32, Zt1P & Stein take no guff while standing up for the little guy. Who says a microchip can’t cry?
The Hoover Files
(Tuesday, CBS)
Legendary FBI honcho J. Edgar Hoover hits the streets in this hard-hitting Stephen J. Cannell action series based on the agency’s actual case files of notable Americans. Ep. 1: The Frisky Fed infiltrates lefty actor Paul Newman’s weekend fondue social, and crashes a ‘stag beach party’ in Key West to nail ‘light-in-the-loafers’ crooner Jim Nabors.
Sanford Forever
(Wednesday, NBC)
Yep- It’s finally happened. Crusty junkman Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx) has croaked and reunited with his beloved wife ‘Lizbeth’ in the afterlife. Their son Lamont has joined the LAPD, and together they tackle nasty ghetto crime with some help from some ‘not so divine’ intervention!
That’s Improbable!
(Thursday, ABC)
Shrug in mild amazement each week as the show scours this great nation to bring you the notable achievements of everyday Americans, such as the oldest grocery bagger or most efficient postman - then slowly fall asleep.
TJ & The Dragon
(Friday, CBS)
Trucker Tony Danza drives the big rigs coast-to-coast, along with his trusty companion Kato, the Komodo Dragon. The pair gets into some scrapes but has some good-time guffaws along the way.
It’s Ziggy!
(Saturday, NBC)
Everyone’s favorite sad little nebbish jumps straight from the Sunday funnies to his own show. Each show consists of a 20 min. still shot of that week’s hilarious single-panel cartoon, interspersed with special messages from sponsor Prozac.
T-Court
(In Syndication)
It’s T-Court, Fool! 3rd Circ. Mag. Judge Mr. T presides in a small-claims courtroom, hearing the gripes of Joe Six-Packs and Judy Punch-Clocks just like you & me. Only he can decide which fools to pity most.
*Soon to be a Major Motion Picture starring Steve Carrell
Don’t touch that dial!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Things To Do Last Week - OBSOLETE SHEET
Things To Do Last Week---
THE OBSOLETE SHEET CALENDAR
(condensed from the pgs of TIME’S UP NY)
WED
‘STATUS’ Opening @ You Are Not Acknowledged Gallery
(Revolving Location)
‘STATUS: Riddle, Enigma and Haiku in the Fleeting Landscape of Social Networking Status Updates’ will celebrate with opening virtual reception.
Note: In order to attend, visitors MUST register as Lifetime Followers’ of YANA Gallery on Twitter, and compulsively recheck status updates for location btw hours of 7:15 and 9:15 pm.
FRI
That Band From New Zealand @ Blah-Space
That Hugely Influential Band from New Zealand whose name you can’t remember (the one with the terminally ill drummer) will perform their one, and possibly last US gig at the intimate Blah-Space. Forged visa problems forced the band to scrap previous tour plans this year. All proceeds will go toward the drummer’s pointless medical bills and The Fight Against Global Malaise.
SUN
Open-Air Flea / Singles Meet n’ Greet @ Sewage Treatment Tower Park
Vintage sparks (and scents) will fly as young singles stroll the grounds of the recently converted green-space with over 500 vendors at hand. Darting eyes will meet as they haggle over that one ‘special score,’ and then they’ll go have babies. Cupcakes will be served.
OOPS—You Missed it! Better Luck Next Week!
THE OBSOLETE SHEET CALENDAR
(condensed from the pgs of TIME’S UP NY)
WED
‘STATUS’ Opening @ You Are Not Acknowledged Gallery
(Revolving Location)
‘STATUS: Riddle, Enigma and Haiku in the Fleeting Landscape of Social Networking Status Updates’ will celebrate with opening virtual reception.
Note: In order to attend, visitors MUST register as Lifetime Followers’ of YANA Gallery on Twitter, and compulsively recheck status updates for location btw hours of 7:15 and 9:15 pm.
FRI
That Band From New Zealand @ Blah-Space
That Hugely Influential Band from New Zealand whose name you can’t remember (the one with the terminally ill drummer) will perform their one, and possibly last US gig at the intimate Blah-Space. Forged visa problems forced the band to scrap previous tour plans this year. All proceeds will go toward the drummer’s pointless medical bills and The Fight Against Global Malaise.
SUN
Open-Air Flea / Singles Meet n’ Greet @ Sewage Treatment Tower Park
Vintage sparks (and scents) will fly as young singles stroll the grounds of the recently converted green-space with over 500 vendors at hand. Darting eyes will meet as they haggle over that one ‘special score,’ and then they’ll go have babies. Cupcakes will be served.
OOPS—You Missed it! Better Luck Next Week!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
OBSOLETE SHEET: VHS REVIEWZ
I watchd these in a Long Beach warehouse so you didn't hafta--
‘MEET WALLY SPARKS’
1997, Dir. P. Baldwin
The horror. There are some things in life you can’t ‘unsee,’ and rocketing up my personal list is the spectacle of a middle-aged Cindy ‘Shirley Feeney’ Williams romping in her under-things as a pale Rodney Dangerfield bangs out the ivories during his badly lip-synched rendition of Bob Seger’s ‘Old Time Rock n’ Roll.’ This misplaced ‘Risky Business’ homage is merely one in a series of disturbing scenes in this bottom-of-the-barrel Rodney vehicle.
Wally Sparks is a notorious Morton Downey/Jerry Springer ‘shock-jock’ who infuriates TV censors and his network boss (briefly, Burt Reynolds) by hosting women in lacy lingerie, and making stale Rodney jokes on the air. From the cabbie cameo of Tony Danza in an obviously not-NYC, you know you’re in for a bumpy ride. Also- hope you enjoyed the beginning glimpse of lingerie, as there are NO more good-looking people in this movie. Through a series of wacky events, Rodney (I mean Wally) winds up crashing a party at the mansion of his main foil, a sanctimonious Southern politician played by David Ogden ‘Winchester’ Stiers, as only Wally can (drunk - on horseback). Then, either due to plot or necessity, Wally is stuck wheelchair-bound at the mansion, convalescing as the Governor’s wife (Williams) and her socialite friends must deal with his crude Rodney-ness. Oh yeah- Wally’s son and the Gov’s daughter (played by 2 blocks of wood) fall in love, Wally serves the Gov a hilarious on-air comeuppance, and we witness scene after scene of really badly executed ‘comic’ chases and musical setpieces described above.
It’s hard to feel any ill will toward Rodney for this inept dreck, but viewer beware. This is no ‘Back To School.’ Just because Rodney called in some favors with his pals, doesn’t mean you have to waste 90 minutes of pain on it. I’m doing alright now- Last week I was in rough shape though.
‘OUT FOR JUSTICE’
1991, Dir. J. Flynn
“I’m lookin’ for Richie.” This is Steven Seagal’s mantra in this largely entertaining Brooklyn-set cop out for vengeance vehicle. Richie (William Forsythe), ya see, was Seagal’s childhood buddy from the ‘old neighborhood’; only he turned into a bad egg; first with The Mob, then as a loose cannon druggie murderer on a bloody rampage. His most recent victim is Seagal’s partner. Only one man can take him down. As Seagal demands from his chief (Jerry Orbach), ‘give me a sawed-off and an unmarked and I’ll take care of it.’
Seagal’s cop must go deep into his Brooklyn (Toronto) roots, sorting the truth from the Mean Streets. Along the way, we get butcher-shop baddies, stereotypical Mob cronies, Gina Gershon, Mary Mastrantonio, and plenty of fake I-talian talk from the star. It all culminates when Seagal finally finds Richie (his White Whale) and engages in a mano-a-mano face-off in a house of ill-repute. Is there any body who can do martial-arts above the waist any better?
‘RIPPER’ AKA “FEAR CITY’
1984, Dir. A. Ferrara
Here’s an OK seedy Abel Ferrara thriller with a glimpse of the real pre-Giuliani NYC, and more than a glimpse of Melanie Griffith’s boobies. It’s a modern take on ‘Jack-the-Ripper’ (ever heard of it?) as a psychopathic stalker hunts Times Square strippers. Tom Berenger and Jack Scalia play The Rossi Bros., two brothers running a stripper-placement agency, forced to deal with the extinction of their talent. Oh yeah, Berenger has some kind of history with Griffith.
Along the way, we get nice Times Square flavor, pseudo Taxi Driver psycho purification training and the aforementioned boobies. Berenger must get involved again to protect his old flame, who has a nagging junk-habit from back in the day. The climax in a dark alley is a bit of a let-down (he knows karate) but still recommended.
‘GRIZZLY’ aka 'CLAWS'
1976, Dir. W. Girdler
More than one of the best ‘Jaws’ knockoffs out there. (This time-he’s a bear!) Christopher George plays an increasingly frustrated Roy Scheider-like Park Ranger (Son-of-a Bitch!) must deal with a murderous monster Grizzly on the loose. From the bear POV shots as it lops off heads and limbs of bathing beauties in glorious orange blood to the priceless dialogue, this is one to remember.
The ‘Jaws’ dynamic carries into the hero/authority dynamic and unnecessary backstory of our protagonist. “I’m out here making these woods a part of me, while you’re going back to your brown plastic office in Warshington!” our ranger tells the local ambitious politican. For the Richard Dreyfuss flair, we get an eccentric bear expert who lives among the forest creatures and can think like them. And then there’s the jaded local cokehead helicopter pilot, the last friend our ranger’s got. Together, this triumvirate must put a stop to the Grizzliness as only they know how. Two paws up, girlfriend.
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