In The Papers #3 (Sunday Edition)

It's been a while! Let's catch up and kick back with those extra-fat Sunday headlines!

Business

Farmer’s Almanac Publisher Faces Insider Trading Charges Connected to Heating Oil Speculation Scam; ‘Rough Winter’ Knowledge Alleged

International

China: Apple Factory Workers Forced to Forfeit Lunch Breaks for ‘Hour of Homage’ Commemorating Founder Steve Jobs’ Passing


US Politics

Traditional Election Season War Not ‘Sure Thing’ as Oppressive World Regimes Crumble; Canada "Looking Pretty Good” - (Defense Dept. Source)

Entertainment

Disney Corp. Lobbies for 'Foreign Pop Star Tariff'; “We Just Want a Level Playing Field.” - (Spokesman)

Economy

‘Double Dip’ Recession Seen by Experts as Unlikely; Strong Job Growth in Bounty Hunting, Freelance Drum Circle Sectors

Weather

“Something’s Coming... Something ~ Wonderful!” - (US Meteorological Survey)

+ Marmaduke!

Yet More Things to Do Last Week

In our vibrant city, it’s easy to forget which events to skip. Here’s just a few you missed when you blinked ~

(Tues) Snoop Dogg performance / book-signing @ Barnes & Noble Union Square
The mega-platinum rapper & ultra-high multimedia playa arrives in town to promote his new memoir, The Audacity of Dope. He will perform several fresh new remixed tracks and provide a few tips on how to become a lovable super-stoned media darling after killing a few dudes.

(Wed) Film Forum’s ‘Unrelated Sequels’ series continues with the harrowing 1-2 emotional punch of Tap & Taps. Didn’t know Gregory Hines’ tap-dancing skills and ultra-strict teen military schools had anything in common? Just watch closely (& dance, maggot)!

(Thurs) ‘Eat Local’ Day - Dining destinations from the gourmet to the greasy-spoon will compete for the locavore dollar, vying to achieve the fastest ‘kill-to-table’ ratio while serving their discerning patrons the freshest animal, vegetable or mineral entree. Some Chinatown restaurants have already gotten a jump on the exciting event, offering a new ‘Catch of the Day’ rotating daily vermin-sourced in-house menu option!

(Fri) ‘The Living Kaleidoscope’ Park - In the tradition of ‘repurposed’ public spaces like the successful ‘High-Line’ comes this newly minted curiosity, a former sewage drainage tunnel abutting the Brooklyn Battery, now converted into an enchanting life-size revolving kaleidoscope filled with shards of locally-blown glass - perfect for enchanting observers and distracting from the blinding white noise of the BQE. A modest seating area will be provided in the expressway median for lingering views.

(Sat) The Jell-O Joint Opening - The ever-narrowing race for niche-food specialization conquers a new frontier - Jell-O! The Kraft-sponsored Jell-O Joint, opening in the shell of a gutted unsightly OTB parlor, will feature a wide ‘artisinal gelatin’ selection, including vegan and soy varieties, whimsically shaped & molded by local craft-food artistes. Be sure to try the vodka-infused spirulina Jell-O shots & the delish nori pudding pop! We’re all Cosby Kids in the end.

In The Papers #2

It's Thursday - time to catch up with our periodic random sampling of this week's headlines you may have missed ~

(Finance)
Dow Up 200 pts. in Anticipation of
Speech by Chairman of Franklin Mint

(Metro)
WTC Developer Insists New Freedom Tower ‘Kong-Proof’

(Sports)
NBA Draft Adopts ‘Musical Chairs’ Format

(Crime)
Headless Body Found in Wireless Store
(an updated classic)

(Politics)
New Law Would Force Returning Vets to Build Casinos

(TV/Ent.)
Regis Philbin Announces “I Have Media Empire Too!”

The Climate-Savvy Tourist (2020 ed.)

Mother Nature sure has been getting ‘uppity’ lately, unleashing drought, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes in areas unaccustomed to such weather violence. Whether you attribute this upheaval to man-made causes, or simply ‘female trouble,’ there’s no denying America’s flora and fauna is not what it used to be! Does this mean you should stay inside on permanent ‘lockdown,’ quaking with fear at the next potential environmental catastrophe? Psshaah. With a few tips, the intrepid modern tourist can be ready to pack their bags and seize the day! Here are just a few spots being pegged for the U.S.’s next ‘hot spot’ destinations.

Detroit Summer - When Nature in her terrifying wisdom consolidated the 5 Great Lakes into one giant, easier-to-manage ‘Greatest Lake’ - (Mother Superior), she also created a new mega-recreation destination. America’s gritty blue-collar wasteland had long seen better days, and was just waiting for it’s close-up. Say hello to the ‘Boater City!’

Spring Break - Juneau - With the tragic loss of the Florida peninsula, millions of eager college coeds were wondering ‘What now?’ Our northern Alaskan neighbor, where it now only rains in winter, stretches open its grubby oil-rich arms to welcome the fun-loving youth market. Spring brings good hunting, fishing & funnels! Thousands of wet T-shirts announce, “C’mon, Juneau you wanna!”

Thunderdome, Nebraska - Although prison construction has become one of America’s few boom industries (can’t build ‘em fast enough!), surging Bartertown crime rates and shrinking land mass forced the country to seek inspiration from its one true God - Hollywood. Take the family on a ‘scared straight!’ tour of Oprah Winfrey’s sprawling state-of-the-art domed vocational/gladiatorial facilities spanning the state, where lucky ‘interns’ man a wide variety of franchise concession stands, and the irredeemable ‘square pegs’ must duke it out in the ring. We don’t need another hero.

St. Louis, ‘America’s Venice’ - Several U.S. cities will be vying for this title, but scenic St. Louis will no doubt win over the ‘less swampy’ crowd. The mighty Missoura and Mississip’ long ago merged, creating a network of tributaries, and a lively ever-roving riverboat-based government seat and nightlife. In the future, we’re all river-folk.

Southwest Casino Mall Crawl - As fires layed waste to the Southwest’s precious greenery, and Texas succumbed to withering drought, the vast desert region said ‘Why not?’ and made lemonade from Nature’s dry, putrid fruit. What would make gambling even better? Put a roof on it! The Vegas Strip, now a year-round indoor climate-controlled wonderland, stretches across its formerly jealous neighboring states (Arizona, NM) and deep to the heart of Texas. Now it’s always 65 degrees, lushy carpeted and the ante - is you!

In The Papers!

Let's catch up with our periodic random sampling of this week's headlines you may have missed ~

(Global)
Rapture Supporters Change Course; Prefer World Not End

(Domestic)
U.S. Economy Checks Into Rehab for ‘Exhaustion’: Recovery Postponed (TMZ)

(Metro)
Smart Phone Kills Dumb Guy

(Politics)
Republican Presidential Candidates Request Change to ‘Take-Home’ Debate Format

(Entertainment)
Shark Week Leaves 3 Paralyzed - with Suspense!

(Even More!) Things to Do Last Week

(August Ed., Condensed from the Pages of Time’s Up NY)
Here’s just a few of the many city happenings to miss last week ~

‘Mamet in The Park’ (Every Weekend) Fans will line up early (& occasionally brawl) to gain entry to this free (& blue) city tradition. This year’s gritty al fresco production of ‘American Buffalo’ brings the combined talents of Zach Braff, Woody Harrelson and the kid from ‘Two &1/2 Men.’ The whole family is welcome, but don’t worry - earmuffs will be provided for the little ones as protection from flying F-words. (Though they gotta know that shit by now- it’s the goddam city!)

Squatter Museum & Living History Tour (Tues, Thurs) Last remaining 1980s East Village anarcho-punk communal squatter Duncan ‘Pullen’ Teith leads you on a tour of ‘his’ Tompkins Square Park, including the site of his bulldozed lean-to and the condemned tenement he and his old lady shot up in (now a luxury condo). Meet at the Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt near 7th St. & Ave A.

A Conversation w/ Andrew “Dice” Clay @ Yeshiva Institute (Flushing, Thurs) Raunchy Hebrew comic legend The “Dice-Man” (nee Andrew Silverstein) sits down for a probing discussion about his new memoir, What’chu Lookin’ At, Jew-Boy? (A Reflection) Note: Requests for Andrew’s ‘schtick’ will not be honored, as the conversation will focus on his book only. (Although ya might get one or two if yer lucky, if you know what I mean - Boom!)

Nanny Wars (Sat)- Third Avenue north of 72nd St. will close to traffic for this lively event, in which Upper East Side nannies compete in events ranging from the Duane Reade Pharmacy Relay, to the Toys ‘R Us Elevator Cram to the Stouffer’s Wide Load Stroller 100k. Caribbean treats will be served, and the winner will go on to challenge the champion of the Park Slope Regionals.

‘Time’s Up’s ‘Go Postal!’ Speed-Dating (Sun) With snail-mail fast becoming a cultural artifact and the USPS threatening to go belly-up, why not come out for a night of potential romance to benefit your local branch? The lines move quicker, too! When the lights flash, aspiring singles rotate to greet their next potential match at assigned service windows, hoping for an express delivery - of love. It’s the best ‘Flat-rate’ date in town.
($15 w/one comp. beverage, Canal Street branch)

Spoiler Alert!

As our national political death-race kicks into gear (in Iowa, natch), candidates are jockeying for face time on the stump, hoping to gain that all-important early momentum. But in the game of politics, in ain’t over til’ it’s bought and paid for, and nobody really knows how the race will shake out. Pundits are abuzz over who might make a surprise splash as a 2012 presidential ‘spoiler,’ leaving the other chumps sputtering in their wake. A few of the ‘hottest’ tips:

Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger Who better than the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’ pilot, our last true National Hero, to take the helm of this reeling airship called America? Someone’s got to land this thing. Take us down gently, or put us out of our misery, Sully! (Looks like we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.)


Vince, The ‘ShamWow’ Guy Messes were made, but you can be sure the super-absorbent ShamWow can handle ‘em. Admittedly, it’s going to take an awfully big ShamWow to staunch massive global economic bleeding, but Vince has got your back. Sure, the MIA infomercial superstar has been known to get hopped up on goofballs and consort with prostitutes- so he’ll fit right in!


Rachael Ray Take Sarah Palin - add a smidge of sanity (and a stick of butter), and oven-bake ‘til ‘poppin’- fresh,’ and you’ll have America’s homemade culinary media mogul sweetheart! She’s got a perky smile, a ‘nails-on chalk-board’ voice and a shitload of awesome comfort food recipes, just the thing for what ails ya in a double-dip recession. Mmm - double-dip.


Larry, ‘The Cable Guy’ / Joe the Plumber “Get ‘er Done, America in 2012!” (& forever.)


Ralph Nader America’s longest-running professional political spoiler is tanned, rested and pumped for his 2012 reboot. (along with rumored new power gal-pal J-Lo!) This time, he’s done kvetching about car safety, the environment and taxes, and has thrown up his hands in the air (like he just don’t care), making no bones about his true role in the political circus - “Nader 2012 - I just wanna F*ck Sh*t Up!”

More Replacements!

The dog daze of summer are a great time for the networks to run some “new” ideas up the flagpole and see who salutes (by not changing the channel). Let’s take a look at a few of the new kids on the block in this sultry season.


Ghost Bodega Did CBS’ untimely cancellations of ‘Touched by an Angel’ and ‘Ghost Whisperer’ leave you in the lurch? Why not try a little Latin “sabor” in your supernatural? In this Saturday night entry, a Dominican inner-city grocery owner (Esai Morales) who was tragically gunned down in a robbery returns behind the counter to keep his ‘loca familia’ in line, and solve the numerous problemas of his customers on the block. Della Reese- watch your back! (CBS, SAT 9pm)

Rim Job It’s like Pawn Stars, but 60% more “street,” as teams of desperadoes nationwide plunder prize tires from cars and bicycles alike, competing to become king of the black-market ‘bling,’ and tear up the road in a cross-country race. Better get a better lock - These boys don’t haggle. (NBC, THURS 10pm)

The Sub Aging dweeb Jon Cryer made good use of his down-time during the ‘Two ½ Men’ turmoil to flex his chops in this intriguing new dramatic series. Cryer plays a mild-mannered journeyman substitute teacher who travels the back-roads of America’s beleaguered educational system, filling in for 3rd period social studies while moonlighting as a problem solving (a la “Equalizer”) heroic mercenary-for-hire. Who needs tenure when the job gets done right? (ABC, WED 9pm)

Blackout! In this reality entry, a serious problem drunk is ‘punk’d’ each week- his world turned upside down by a professional prank team as he rests in a pool of his own vomit – with hilarious results. You won’t believe the priceless reactions, running the gamut from “Holy shit - I killed a guy?” to “I have a butler?” to “I run Fox News?” (FOX, SAT 9pm)

Brick, Notary Public ‘Where’d he go’ TV fave Ted McGinley returns to the airwaves as Brick- a guy who you call to sign stuff. Twist is, Brick is pretty badass- he lives on a boat, scores a lot of babes, solves a crime or two and knows how to party. If he’s not laying down his ‘John Hancock,’ he’s (literally) jumping sharks! (USA, FRI 10pm)

3-D Hollywood Sequels to Come

As we all know, Everything old is new again in Tinseltown. Now, along with its embrace of pointless remakes and sequels, Hollywood has also dusted off a fave gimmick of the nifty 1950s- 3-D! With updated digital 3D systems, studios have a whole new reason to jack up ticket prices and boost their box office, giving a whole new meaning to ‘the shit hitting the fan!’ Here are just a few of the exciting 3-D franchise projects in the hopper.

The Hangover 3-D The bros are back for the ultimate bender (at a funeral), and this time it’s in your face! Their laughless escapades will seem all the more painful in three dimensions. Dude- those tits are coming right at me. And so is the vomit!

Sex & The World (3-D) In this bold third installment of the ‘Sex & the City’ franchise, an alien race threatens the Earth’s greatest cities with obliteration (again), and we have only one line of defense. Time for Sarah J. and the rest of the swanky Gotham gals to suit up for space! The ladies must use their guile (& wiles) to show those pesky space bridge & tunnel invaders why we deserve to live - and shop! Do open-toed Manolos fly in zero-G?

Teen Wolf 3-D An always-game Jason Bateman reprises his role as the hirsute title character from the last installment- now a grown-up suburban Milwaukee businessman. He takes in his troubled nephew (Shia Labeouf) from the mean streets of Sheboygan, trying to set him on the straight and narrow. Only trouble is- some things run in the family, and it’s going to take more than just an attitude adjustment for the youth to succeed (& win the Ultimate Fighting regionals!)

Three Men and a Baby (Cubed!) The bachelor dads (Danson, Selleck, Guttenberg) return for a triple helping of fun, as they must raise a batch of morbidly obese test-tube triplets. The laughs are exponentially greater, and you just might think a bit too, as director Leonard Nimoy asks some troubling questions about the population boom. (Plus the pee comes right at you!)

Rupert & Me (3-D) Not a sequel, per-se, but another of muckraking porcine director Michael Moore’s liberal social filmic essays- and this time, it’s in your face! Jurassic Park’s got nothing on the terrifying sight of an immense, sweaty and angrily righteous Michael Moore lunging at you with a microphone. This time, he takes on the Wizard of Oz of the modern day tabloid-media empire, Rupert Murdoch, ambushing him (conveniently) at an Australian resort, with plenty of opportunities for beach-side interrogation (and T&A).

Stimulus!

With disappointing job growth figures and gas prices shooting through the roof, talk continues to mount over fears of a ‘double-dip’ recession, sending the nation’s economy into a downward spiral of no return. Calls are growing for more bold intervention – here are just a few of the new ideas on the block.


No Internet Privileges for One Year The Defense Dept. built it, and they can take it away. So get out of your room, Poindexters, and meet the dismal reality that awaits! The job market will only improve through suicide or attrition- two inevitable results of shutting down the ‘Google-box.’

Domestic USO Tour led by reanimated Bob Hope, Phish, Dave Matthews Band If we sometimes devolve into partisan and class-based bickering, surely we can come together to rally behind the undisputed greatest comedian and rock bands of all time. Why should Laos get all the best shows? A freshly unfrozen Hope will lead a caravan of favorite stars and hotties through America’s heartland to rev up our communal spirit w/zesty wit, boobs and interminable songs.

Pay-What-You-Can (Everywhere) What kind of a nation are we if we can’t trust the Honor System and our fellow citizens? From tuition to gas to homes to automobiles, let’s level this capitalist bear to zero and see where we’re at. Don’t judge, player.

‘Gay for a Day’ National Gay Marriage Contest With many states seeing the shifting winds of change sweeping across the nation, why not pit them against each other in healthy competition for the ultimate ‘Rainbow Connection? Each state will race to record the most gay nuptials in one day, with the winning state receiving much-prized federal infrastructure spending aid, and a spot in Guinness!

Washington Mall National Monthly Swap Meet Forget the yucky ‘double-dip,’ and grab a double-dip soft-serve cone as you stroll the immense monthly national swap meet on the mall of the Washington Monument. Pick up that used Howitzer you didn’t know you needed, as government bureaus and private dealers alike haggle for your Yankee dollar. It’s what we do best.

Parks & Regs

With the recent enactment of the smoking ban in public parks, change is afoot in the city’s green spaces. Let’s take a look at what’s new on the books this season ~

Walking Ban Conventional pedestrians will now need a permit to join their turbo-charged bipedal friends on the city’s busy park foot-lanes, during the all-important cardiovascular hot periods in the early AM, and dusk hours.

PLD / Smartphone Mandate Random spot-checks will ensure that park attendees are outfitted with the required bubble-ensuring, vanity-preserving personal listening devices or smart-phones, lest they risk exposure to their surroundings, or any period of natural tranquility.

Sex Offender Grottos New, clearer signs will delineate clearly those park niches earmarked for citizen offenders, spaced amply from fun-filled park playgrounds. (Eliminating earlier embarrassing mix-ups.)

Sugary Drink Zones Inflatable balloon barriers will enclose those areas where toddlers (and adults) are permitted to consume sugary, carbonated beverages, freeing them to literally bounce off the walls, causing no danger to healthier park-goers.

‘Burnt Sienna’ Bike Lanes Paved bike thoroughfares smaller than the now-common bike super-highways will be given new, subtle coloration, mixing seamlessly with the rustic surroundings and promising a jolt of wonderment to unsuspecting two-footed wanderers.

Restaurant Round-Up

A periodic survey of exciting new urban dining trends.

Lunch Lady It’s all here- cold fluorescent lighting, indifferent service, high inter-clique tension, and both kinds of milk. (plus a pending liquor license!) The dishes are uncanny- from the authentic bland (& pliable) squares of freshly microwaved ‘pizza’ to the addictive generic ‘tato tots.’ Be sure to sample the locally-sourced Salisbury Steak and Sloppy Joes on Thursdays, but be wary of the rotating monthly ‘Bertha’s Surprise.’
‘Food Fight!’

Bachelor Flat No need to call ahead for a table at this new hot spot- there are none. Instead, you’ll select from a partially stocked cupboard of canned & packaged foods on the way in (from Ramen to Chef-Boyardee), then take a position at one of the many (50+) personal stove stations, where you can cook and serve your meal individually, eating right over the stove! So get out of that apartment, guys! It’s not pathetic if you’re doing it in public, right?

Tree Fort (No girls allowed, cause they’re yucky.) You’ll marvel at the rustic wood-beamed ambience of this sprawling comfort-kitsch palace. (situated in one of the sleekest of the Trump properties) Choose from the decadent white truffle s’mores , and gather around one of the many brick fire-pits for a drink & a scary story after dinner. Don’t worry- a waiter will hold that flashlight while you peruse the ample selection of ‘nudie’ mags.

The Mission Here the well-heeled can eat how the other half eats (if they’re lucky), in a setting of vague religious benevolence. You’ll line up and eat what they’re serving, then sit in communal tables to stare long and hard at that Gruel that God provided from his bottomless pile of mercy. If you’re lucky, it’s spaghetti day. The perfect new-depression date destination.

The Boiler Room It’s a boiler room.

Green Jobs for The ‘New Normal’

Do you find yourself adrift in ennui, twiddling your thumbs in half-hearted anticipation of the re-scheduled Rapture? Try one of these innovative & rewarding new job opportunities that may be right under your nose!


99-cent Store Hospitality Professional No Wal-Mart in your hood yet? Don’t let that stop you from meeting & greeting your community where you see them the most. Just turn in place, offering a hearty handshake and ‘Hola’ to the family of 8 behind you. Presto- you’re hired!

Freelance Plastic Bag Wrangler There’s one! No wait- there’s a bunch. Get ‘em! I think you can boil ‘em down and make oil. Take that, BP!

Used Mp3 Dealer Are yer ‘clickety’ friends loaded down with all those downloads? They say the music industry is dying, but there’s never been a better time for visionary entrepreneurs. Help bargain-minded net-surfers score that special find, and recycle to boot! Just draw up your own ‘download cards’ and set up a 21st century 3-card monte stand. By the time they catch on, you’ll be long gone…

Poop Scout With the recent rampant cutbacks in public services, the Sanitation dept. needs all the help it can get! Become a ‘poop scout,’ carefully pinpointing the greatest concentrations of canine/human excrement in your area and composing a ‘virtual poop map’ app so the professionals can most efficiently apply their resources.

Dumpster Security Those things aren’t going to guard themselves! Suit up an’ keep those pesky ‘freegan’ bloggers from diving for scraps. That’s why they call it garbage, maggot!