Things To Do Last Week - OBSOLETE SHEET

Things To Do Last Week---
THE OBSOLETE SHEET CALENDAR
(condensed from the pgs of TIME’S UP NY)

WED
‘STATUS’ Opening @ You Are Not Acknowledged Gallery
(Revolving Location)

‘STATUS: Riddle, Enigma and Haiku in the Fleeting Landscape of Social Networking Status Updates’ will celebrate with opening virtual reception.
Note: In order to attend, visitors MUST register as Lifetime Followers’ of YANA Gallery on Twitter, and compulsively recheck status updates for location btw hours of 7:15 and 9:15 pm.

FRI
That Band From New Zealand @ Blah-Space

That Hugely Influential Band from New Zealand whose name you can’t remember (the one with the terminally ill drummer) will perform their one, and possibly last US gig at the intimate Blah-Space. Forged visa problems forced the band to scrap previous tour plans this year. All proceeds will go toward the drummer’s pointless medical bills and The Fight Against Global Malaise.

SUN
Open-Air Flea / Singles Meet n’ Greet @ Sewage Treatment Tower Park

Vintage sparks (and scents) will fly as young singles stroll the grounds of the recently converted green-space with over 500 vendors at hand. Darting eyes will meet as they haggle over that one ‘special score,’ and then they’ll go have babies. Cupcakes will be served.


OOPS—You Missed it! Better Luck Next Week!

OBSOLETE SHEET: VHS REVIEWZ

I watchd these in a Long Beach warehouse so you didn't hafta--

‘MEET WALLY SPARKS’

1997, Dir. P. Baldwin

The horror. There are some things in life you can’t ‘unsee,’ and rocketing up my personal list is the spectacle of a middle-aged Cindy ‘Shirley Feeney’ Williams romping in her under-things as a pale Rodney Dangerfield bangs out the ivories during his badly lip-synched rendition of Bob Seger’s ‘Old Time Rock n’ Roll.’ This misplaced ‘Risky Business’ homage is merely one in a series of disturbing scenes in this bottom-of-the-barrel Rodney vehicle.

Wally Sparks is a notorious Morton Downey/Jerry Springer ‘shock-jock’ who infuriates TV censors and his network boss (briefly, Burt Reynolds) by hosting women in lacy lingerie, and making stale Rodney jokes on the air. From the cabbie cameo of Tony Danza in an obviously not-NYC, you know you’re in for a bumpy ride. Also- hope you enjoyed the beginning glimpse of lingerie, as there are NO more good-looking people in this movie. Through a series of wacky events, Rodney (I mean Wally) winds up crashing a party at the mansion of his main foil, a sanctimonious Southern politician played by David Ogden ‘Winchester’ Stiers, as only Wally can (drunk - on horseback). Then, either due to plot or necessity, Wally is stuck wheelchair-bound at the mansion, convalescing as the Governor’s wife (Williams) and her socialite friends must deal with his crude Rodney-ness. Oh yeah- Wally’s son and the Gov’s daughter (played by 2 blocks of wood) fall in love, Wally serves the Gov a hilarious on-air comeuppance, and we witness scene after scene of really badly executed ‘comic’ chases and musical setpieces described above.

It’s hard to feel any ill will toward Rodney for this inept dreck, but viewer beware. This is no ‘Back To School.’ Just because Rodney called in some favors with his pals, doesn’t mean you have to waste 90 minutes of pain on it. I’m doing alright now- Last week I was in rough shape though.

‘OUT FOR JUSTICE’

1991, Dir. J. Flynn

“I’m lookin’ for Richie.” This is Steven Seagal’s mantra in this largely entertaining Brooklyn-set cop out for vengeance vehicle. Richie (William Forsythe), ya see, was Seagal’s childhood buddy from the ‘old neighborhood’; only he turned into a bad egg; first with The Mob, then as a loose cannon druggie murderer on a bloody rampage. His most recent victim is Seagal’s partner. Only one man can take him down. As Seagal demands from his chief (Jerry Orbach), ‘give me a sawed-off and an unmarked and I’ll take care of it.’

Seagal’s cop must go deep into his Brooklyn (Toronto) roots, sorting the truth from the Mean Streets. Along the way, we get butcher-shop baddies, stereotypical Mob cronies, Gina Gershon, Mary Mastrantonio, and plenty of fake I-talian talk from the star. It all culminates when Seagal finally finds Richie (his White Whale) and engages in a mano-a-mano face-off in a house of ill-repute. Is there any body who can do martial-arts above the waist any better?

‘RIPPER’ AKA “FEAR CITY’

1984, Dir. A. Ferrara

Here’s an OK seedy Abel Ferrara thriller with a glimpse of the real pre-Giuliani NYC, and more than a glimpse of Melanie Griffith’s boobies. It’s a modern take on ‘Jack-the-Ripper’ (ever heard of it?) as a psychopathic stalker hunts Times Square strippers. Tom Berenger and Jack Scalia play The Rossi Bros., two brothers running a stripper-placement agency, forced to deal with the extinction of their talent. Oh yeah, Berenger has some kind of history with Griffith.

Along the way, we get nice Times Square flavor, pseudo Taxi Driver psycho purification training and the aforementioned boobies. Berenger must get involved again to protect his old flame, who has a nagging junk-habit from back in the day. The climax in a dark alley is a bit of a let-down (he knows karate) but still recommended.

‘GRIZZLY’ aka 'CLAWS'

1976, Dir. W. Girdler

More than one of the best ‘Jaws’ knockoffs out there. (This time-he’s a bear!) Christopher George plays an increasingly frustrated Roy Scheider-like Park Ranger (Son-of-a Bitch!) must deal with a murderous monster Grizzly on the loose. From the bear POV shots as it lops off heads and limbs of bathing beauties in glorious orange blood to the priceless dialogue, this is one to remember.

The ‘Jaws’ dynamic carries into the hero/authority dynamic and unnecessary backstory of our protagonist. “I’m out here making these woods a part of me, while you’re going back to your brown plastic office in Warshington!” our ranger tells the local ambitious politican. For the Richard Dreyfuss flair, we get an eccentric bear expert who lives among the forest creatures and can think like them. And then there’s the jaded local cokehead helicopter pilot, the last friend our ranger’s got. Together, this triumvirate must put a stop to the Grizzliness as only they know how. Two paws up, girlfriend.