I aged a year this morning
just trying to cross the street
White man only gets you half-way
so you have to trust your feet
On the Boulevard of Death
I wrote a letter to the city
detailing my concerns.
They sent me a form email
Man- that really burns!
On the Boulevard of Death
The laundry is dirty
and the cupboard is bare.
You take your life in your hands
stepping out over there.
On the Boulevard of Death
Left the house this morning-
got side-swiped by a hearse.
The traffic keeps on coming,
and it's only getting worse.
(song-poem)
Thank you for your email concerning the pedestrian signal on 4th Avenue Brooklyn.
We appreciate your interest and look forward to working with you on this issue.
Brooklyn Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will work with the Brooklyn Borough Engineer Office to ensure that this matter is addressed properly. .
Borough Commissioner Joseph Palmieri will inform you of our findings and recommendations.
The safety of our residents is of primary concern to the NYCDOT. Your participation in transportation issues which affect your community is greatly appreciated.
Customer Service Division
New York City Department of Transportation
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Replacements
It’s that time again ~ Mid-Season Mania, that is, when the Tube shakes up its old, tired programming with some shiny new, tired programs*! Here’s just a few of those new kids on the block.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
60 Minute Makeover (CBS, Sun.) – Your Nana’s cranky old TV news-magazine dinosaur (60 Minutes, natch) gets a lift-and-tuck with this weekly one hour real-time extreme makeover event. This week – Kim Kardashian tackles Leslie Stahl. (Still features a last word from Andy Rooney – and looking good!)
Wiki-Wow! (FOX, Fri.) – Watch spicy re-enactments of each week’s massive online info-revelations and revel in America’s dirty laundry. This week- Hillary disses somewhere called India, and the Obamas’ chef sneaks in a non-fat substitute for Ben Netanyahu’s fave creamy Thousand Islands salad dressing ~ ooh, snap!
Antiques Roadhouse (PBS, Fri.) – Toss a few back to raunchy, rural spinoff fun, as poor, drunk hopefuls get their chance to trot their worthless old wares down to the local juke-joint for a rowdy appraisin’. Don’t agree with that city-fied appraiser’s take on yer family heirloom? Why not settle it like a man? That fake Tiffany lamp still smashes skulls right good!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! (ABC, see local listings) – It’s a game show now! Perez Hilton hosts this weekly battle of wits, as contestants compete for cash & prizes by earning 3 chances to ask a panel of 3 servicemen/women their sexual proclivities. They must eliminate both the phony gay (planted as distraction), and real homosexual to reveal the last honest, hetero American soldier! USA.
S.A.I.S. (Salvation Army Investigative Squad) (NBC, Fri.) – Thought you got rid of that semen-stained sofa scot-free? Think again, perp! If you’re like most folks, you didn’t know every branch of your local Salvation Army thrift store houses a crack forensic investigative officer stationed in its garage, monitoring each 'donation.' Watch each week as the regional squad teams up to follow a worthless object into ever-deeper and dingier mysteries.
*Cops, America's Most Wanted and Two 1/2 Men will continue to air in perpetuity.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Get More Real!
Even More Exciting Reality TV Prospects on the Horizon ~
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Extreme Foreclosure (Home Edition) – Strapping young bank execs from coast-to-coast compete to see who can lay the boom on the biggest money-pits, with prizes spanning a private jet, time-share in Tuscany- even each other's wives. From small potatoes ranch houses to McMansions, everything must go!
Filibuster! - With a divided Congress, there has never been a better time to watch our elected representatives in (in) action. Marvel in fascination as another bill to raise the minimum wage to a poverty-acceptable level is blocked for weeks by determined blow-hards, even though it’s attached to an arms deal for Saudi Arabia. They’re gonna need a lot of cots!
Everybody Must Get Stoned - No more “Take two years probation and call me in the morning” American justice here! Each week, a U.S. criminal (sometimes your fave celebrity!) is randomly chosen to be subjected to a foreign crime-appropriate ‘barbaric’ primal punishment. Internet Stalker? Goodbye fingers! Rumored Witch? Hope you can swim! Adulterer? Well, you won’t be needing that!
The Great Anchor-Baby Race – Three immigrant families compete to plant roots and lay their path to U.S. citizenship through the ‘funnest’ way possible – reproduction! Who can make their tots legit the fastest? (Quick – before the buzz-kill Republicans close this Constitutional ‘loophole’!)
Pimp My Bunker – Cutting-edge urban interior design teams invade rural America’s growing rural survivalist strongholds, anxious to lend their underground shelters a touch of ‘zing.’ Who says camo’s the only way to go, girlfriend?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Have you jumped the shark? *
1) Your inner voice is now played by Ted McGinley
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
2) On the subway, you yawn and suddenly feel an elbow to your ribs! Don't panic - it's just your New Streetwise Orphan Sidekick!
3) Pleasuring yourself used to be a zesty prime-time reward, heightened by chocolate and roses. Now it's a chore you resort to even when there's nothing on Lifetime! You've got Masturbation Ennui.
4) Decisions you used to make quickly, now take - a full 2 episodes!
5) You literally make yourself sick.
Buck up! The money will roll in if you can just make syndication!
* a Happy Days-derived pop-culture phenomenon denoting when a show has worn out its welcome, becoming stale and rehashed - natch!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Obsolete Sheet: K-9000 (1991)
K-9000 (TV 1991)
Director: Kim Manners
Writers: Michael Part, Steven E. de Souza
Starring: Chris Mulkey, Catherine Oxenberg, Dennis Haysbert, and Jerry Houser (as the voice of ‘Niner’)
A policeman and a female scientist team up to recover her latest creation, a cybernetic, crime-fighting dog.
The cop-dog buddy movie (Turner and Hooch, K-9, this dreck) is a much-maligned, underappreciated? genre of filmmaking magic that seems not to have made it into the new millennium. Perhaps there is a lost innocence in our willingness to believe our stars (Hanks, Belushi etc.) and their quadrupedal best friends solving urban crimes in the era of suicide planes and biological warfare. But who better to sniff out dirty bombs than man’s best friend? Maybe we just need a gritty Bourne Identity-style techno-update. In the best cop-dog film, these canine pals become closer than a human partner, true confidantes that will take a bullet for ya and still hump your leg.
And then there’s this movie (speaking of dirty bombs, look out, ahem!). I didn’t have the good fortune to tune in from the very beginning. But when I did, I couldn’t look away. Mulkey (the abusive trucker husband of Shelley the waitress on Twin Peaks) plays a mulleted crude boozer LA cop in the Gibson/Russell vein (minus 75% personality) who is forced to partner with glamorous Euro cyber-scientist (Oxenberg) to get to the baddy weapons-smugglers that left his black human partner (Haysbert) in a coma.
When I tuned in, they were infiltrating a top-secret lab bunker in which the “K-9000” project sat in a mysterious box. Oxenberg explains it’s a special technology that involves microchip communication between specially-rigged ‘cyber-dogs’ and computer dispatchers. Only problem? During a shoot-out in the lab, the cyber-dog (German Shepherd) bursts out of his saran-wrap prematurely, and the cyberchip receiver somehow winds up in the loser cop’s head. (sorry-didn’t catch how).
So anyhoo, the cop wakes up holding a bottle of Jack in his beach cabana, with the dog staring at him inquisitively. He starts hearing voices – specifically a nebbishy Jewish voice-over asking him how he is feeling and if he would like help with his investigation. Holy shit! The dog is still talking to him, and his fucking mouth doesn’t move. (cyber-telepathy, natch) After the requisite throwing the bottle down and trying to sleep it off, the dog keeps hassling him (and won’t fetch balls, since it’s ‘canine’ brain area was removed for the chip.) Taking it in stride, it’s now a Knight Rider deal and the cop reluctantly grows to rely on the dog’s techno-skills (like clearing an outside line on a payphone.)
It all winds up on Catalina Island (the fucking wine mixer!) where they track the baddy smugglers to the top of a tower and K-9000 pushes that Euro son-of-a-bitch right off to save Mulkey, dangling from the edge. Partner comes out of coma, Mulkey and Oxenberg recline on the beach, and K-9000 (in sunglasses) remembers how to fetch balls- and suck them. This film might have killed the cop-dog movie for good after all. Only time will tell?
For a flashier version (w/clips, posters & ads!) please see The Obsolete Sheet.
Director: Kim Manners
Writers: Michael Part, Steven E. de Souza
Starring: Chris Mulkey, Catherine Oxenberg, Dennis Haysbert, and Jerry Houser (as the voice of ‘Niner’)
A policeman and a female scientist team up to recover her latest creation, a cybernetic, crime-fighting dog.
The cop-dog buddy movie (Turner and Hooch, K-9, this dreck) is a much-maligned, underappreciated? genre of filmmaking magic that seems not to have made it into the new millennium. Perhaps there is a lost innocence in our willingness to believe our stars (Hanks, Belushi etc.) and their quadrupedal best friends solving urban crimes in the era of suicide planes and biological warfare. But who better to sniff out dirty bombs than man’s best friend? Maybe we just need a gritty Bourne Identity-style techno-update. In the best cop-dog film, these canine pals become closer than a human partner, true confidantes that will take a bullet for ya and still hump your leg.
And then there’s this movie (speaking of dirty bombs, look out, ahem!). I didn’t have the good fortune to tune in from the very beginning. But when I did, I couldn’t look away. Mulkey (the abusive trucker husband of Shelley the waitress on Twin Peaks) plays a mulleted crude boozer LA cop in the Gibson/Russell vein (minus 75% personality) who is forced to partner with glamorous Euro cyber-scientist (Oxenberg) to get to the baddy weapons-smugglers that left his black human partner (Haysbert) in a coma.
When I tuned in, they were infiltrating a top-secret lab bunker in which the “K-9000” project sat in a mysterious box. Oxenberg explains it’s a special technology that involves microchip communication between specially-rigged ‘cyber-dogs’ and computer dispatchers. Only problem? During a shoot-out in the lab, the cyber-dog (German Shepherd) bursts out of his saran-wrap prematurely, and the cyberchip receiver somehow winds up in the loser cop’s head. (sorry-didn’t catch how).
So anyhoo, the cop wakes up holding a bottle of Jack in his beach cabana, with the dog staring at him inquisitively. He starts hearing voices – specifically a nebbishy Jewish voice-over asking him how he is feeling and if he would like help with his investigation. Holy shit! The dog is still talking to him, and his fucking mouth doesn’t move. (cyber-telepathy, natch) After the requisite throwing the bottle down and trying to sleep it off, the dog keeps hassling him (and won’t fetch balls, since it’s ‘canine’ brain area was removed for the chip.) Taking it in stride, it’s now a Knight Rider deal and the cop reluctantly grows to rely on the dog’s techno-skills (like clearing an outside line on a payphone.)
It all winds up on Catalina Island (the fucking wine mixer!) where they track the baddy smugglers to the top of a tower and K-9000 pushes that Euro son-of-a-bitch right off to save Mulkey, dangling from the edge. Partner comes out of coma, Mulkey and Oxenberg recline on the beach, and K-9000 (in sunglasses) remembers how to fetch balls- and suck them. This film might have killed the cop-dog movie for good after all. Only time will tell?
For a flashier version (w/clips, posters & ads!) please see The Obsolete Sheet.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
At The Newsstand
What’s that you say? Print media is in its last death throes? Far from it! Actually the magazine’s appeal is just becoming more selective. A host of new titles targeting urban and suburban niche-markets testify to the ongoing importance of our glossies in arenas varying from the waiting room to the poop-strewn sidewalk. Just a few of the new crop:
The Entitled Asshole
Are you new to town, but looking to ‘own it,’ and immediately resent all others who came before or after? Keep up to date with this informative monthly, including many forums for various smug sons-of-bitches, such as which urban accessory best fits your lifestyle – dog, SUV or human infant?
Water-Cooler Weekly
Always the last to know the latest TV-minted catchphrase to throw around the office? Really!? This handy digest rounds-up all the week’s notable programming in ‘Comedy’ or ‘Drama’ and includes plot summaries (where necessary). You don’t need to watch 3 DVDs of ‘The Wire’ in one weekend, or “How I Met Your Mother” ever! Just subscribe to this for a year! Talk to the Hand!
Orgy of Death
All obituaries – all the time. Rounded up from the smallest country gazette to the most cosmopolitan of rags. (Now w/juicy ‘Dead Gossip’ insert!) Let this digest of the deceased be your first reassuring read in the morning with your coffee + juice (if you’re still alive.)
Sewer + Stream
Camo’s not just for the country anymore! In the New Depression, all bets are off and this monthly will keep you prepared with the latest in urban survival (and prospering!) techniques. Learn which gauge ammo or dirty bomb to use when hunting raccoon / squirrel / rat, how to ‘blend in’ on Bedford Ave. when stalking elusive hipster jailbait, and the latest methods of drinking your own pee. (Smoothies?)
The Entitled Asshole
Are you new to town, but looking to ‘own it,’ and immediately resent all others who came before or after? Keep up to date with this informative monthly, including many forums for various smug sons-of-bitches, such as which urban accessory best fits your lifestyle – dog, SUV or human infant?
Water-Cooler Weekly
Always the last to know the latest TV-minted catchphrase to throw around the office? Really!? This handy digest rounds-up all the week’s notable programming in ‘Comedy’ or ‘Drama’ and includes plot summaries (where necessary). You don’t need to watch 3 DVDs of ‘The Wire’ in one weekend, or “How I Met Your Mother” ever! Just subscribe to this for a year! Talk to the Hand!
Orgy of Death
All obituaries – all the time. Rounded up from the smallest country gazette to the most cosmopolitan of rags. (Now w/juicy ‘Dead Gossip’ insert!) Let this digest of the deceased be your first reassuring read in the morning with your coffee + juice (if you’re still alive.)
Sewer + Stream
Camo’s not just for the country anymore! In the New Depression, all bets are off and this monthly will keep you prepared with the latest in urban survival (and prospering!) techniques. Learn which gauge ammo or dirty bomb to use when hunting raccoon / squirrel / rat, how to ‘blend in’ on Bedford Ave. when stalking elusive hipster jailbait, and the latest methods of drinking your own pee. (Smoothies?)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Get Real
The New Slate of Promising Reality-TV Shows
Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.
So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.
Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?
Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!
America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?
Rape House – Five college coeds are sequestered under one roof for a month, denied modern amenities, such as cell phones, the internet, or TV. The twist ~ one is a serial campus rapist. Can alliances help you now? Dehumanizing violence followed by comic vigilante justice will ensue.
So You Think You Can Bake? Kitchen shut-ins from across the land compete for the honor of the next great American pastry chef. Celebrity judges from IHOP, Friendly’s and House of Pies will cast a discerning eye over their flaky creations.
Last Plumber Standing – A fleet of America’s best pipe-men tackle a slate of ever-more- complex plumbing nightmares, including an 18th century Druid castle. Who will be left high and dry when this shit settles?
Suicide Watch – Closed circuit surveillance technology places us directly in the cell of an accused criminal, placed on that most grave status as a danger to his or her-self. Stare 24-7 along with the trained authorities to see if you can spot that hidden shoelace!
America’s Got Problems – From white supremacists to cult-mavens to amputee-fetish enthusiasts, everyone gets their 15 minutes in this new showcase musical-variety competition. Who will make it all the way to Vegas and into our nation’s heart?
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