Spoiler Alert!

As our national political death-race kicks into gear (in Iowa, natch), candidates are jockeying for face time on the stump, hoping to gain that all-important early momentum. But in the game of politics, in ain’t over til’ it’s bought and paid for, and nobody really knows how the race will shake out. Pundits are abuzz over who might make a surprise splash as a 2012 presidential ‘spoiler,’ leaving the other chumps sputtering in their wake. A few of the ‘hottest’ tips:

Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger Who better than the ‘Miracle on the Hudson’ pilot, our last true National Hero, to take the helm of this reeling airship called America? Someone’s got to land this thing. Take us down gently, or put us out of our misery, Sully! (Looks like we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.)


Vince, The ‘ShamWow’ Guy Messes were made, but you can be sure the super-absorbent ShamWow can handle ‘em. Admittedly, it’s going to take an awfully big ShamWow to staunch massive global economic bleeding, but Vince has got your back. Sure, the MIA infomercial superstar has been known to get hopped up on goofballs and consort with prostitutes- so he’ll fit right in!


Rachael Ray Take Sarah Palin - add a smidge of sanity (and a stick of butter), and oven-bake ‘til ‘poppin’- fresh,’ and you’ll have America’s homemade culinary media mogul sweetheart! She’s got a perky smile, a ‘nails-on chalk-board’ voice and a shitload of awesome comfort food recipes, just the thing for what ails ya in a double-dip recession. Mmm - double-dip.


Larry, ‘The Cable Guy’ / Joe the Plumber “Get ‘er Done, America in 2012!” (& forever.)


Ralph Nader America’s longest-running professional political spoiler is tanned, rested and pumped for his 2012 reboot. (along with rumored new power gal-pal J-Lo!) This time, he’s done kvetching about car safety, the environment and taxes, and has thrown up his hands in the air (like he just don’t care), making no bones about his true role in the political circus - “Nader 2012 - I just wanna F*ck Sh*t Up!”