The Climate-Savvy Tourist (2020 ed.)

Mother Nature sure has been getting ‘uppity’ lately, unleashing drought, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes in areas unaccustomed to such weather violence. Whether you attribute this upheaval to man-made causes, or simply ‘female trouble,’ there’s no denying America’s flora and fauna is not what it used to be! Does this mean you should stay inside on permanent ‘lockdown,’ quaking with fear at the next potential environmental catastrophe? Psshaah. With a few tips, the intrepid modern tourist can be ready to pack their bags and seize the day! Here are just a few spots being pegged for the U.S.’s next ‘hot spot’ destinations.

Detroit Summer - When Nature in her terrifying wisdom consolidated the 5 Great Lakes into one giant, easier-to-manage ‘Greatest Lake’ - (Mother Superior), she also created a new mega-recreation destination. America’s gritty blue-collar wasteland had long seen better days, and was just waiting for it’s close-up. Say hello to the ‘Boater City!’

Spring Break - Juneau - With the tragic loss of the Florida peninsula, millions of eager college coeds were wondering ‘What now?’ Our northern Alaskan neighbor, where it now only rains in winter, stretches open its grubby oil-rich arms to welcome the fun-loving youth market. Spring brings good hunting, fishing & funnels! Thousands of wet T-shirts announce, “C’mon, Juneau you wanna!”

Thunderdome, Nebraska - Although prison construction has become one of America’s few boom industries (can’t build ‘em fast enough!), surging Bartertown crime rates and shrinking land mass forced the country to seek inspiration from its one true God - Hollywood. Take the family on a ‘scared straight!’ tour of Oprah Winfrey’s sprawling state-of-the-art domed vocational/gladiatorial facilities spanning the state, where lucky ‘interns’ man a wide variety of franchise concession stands, and the irredeemable ‘square pegs’ must duke it out in the ring. We don’t need another hero.

St. Louis, ‘America’s Venice’ - Several U.S. cities will be vying for this title, but scenic St. Louis will no doubt win over the ‘less swampy’ crowd. The mighty Missoura and Mississip’ long ago merged, creating a network of tributaries, and a lively ever-roving riverboat-based government seat and nightlife. In the future, we’re all river-folk.

Southwest Casino Mall Crawl - As fires layed waste to the Southwest’s precious greenery, and Texas succumbed to withering drought, the vast desert region said ‘Why not?’ and made lemonade from Nature’s dry, putrid fruit. What would make gambling even better? Put a roof on it! The Vegas Strip, now a year-round indoor climate-controlled wonderland, stretches across its formerly jealous neighboring states (Arizona, NM) and deep to the heart of Texas. Now it’s always 65 degrees, lushy carpeted and the ante - is you!